Hi everyone! It's horrible that you all have your reasons to be here, but I'm glad that there's such a strong and thriving network of support for people in our "fallout" situation. I recently purchased and read Depression Fallout, as I have had a feeling that depression might be playing a role in my relationship as of late. As I turned through the pages of the book, I felt myself identifying so strongly with those who have experienced their own fallout situations. With that said, I'm looking for some guidance. Let me give some background information first.
My fiancée and I recently got engaged (December 29, 2014). We've been in a long distance relationship for just about a year now officially, and we were exclusive and committed to each other for a little more than half a year on top of that (I didn't want to ask her to be my girlfriend over the phone, but I eventually caved and did just that). We've had plans ever since we got engaged for me to move into a new apartment with her as soon as I graduate this June. I'll be moving from OR to MN. We've seen each other every two months, as our busy schedules allow. We're both heavily involved college seniors. Our relationship has been wonderful and has lacked serious disagreement up to this point. On the issues that we have disagreed with, we've been able to talk them out respectfully and come to compromises. About two months ago, things started changing. We used to Skype nearly every night, if even just to say good night. We used to text throughout the day, just to keep one another in the loop and send cute little messages. For two months, she has gradually been struggling to find time to communicate with me. She's been cold, critical, unaffectionate, and unresponsive to the majority of my loving efforts. I had mentioned this a few times and she has apologized profusely, but excused herself as being way busier than usual (which is true) and just drained in terms of energy. I could understand that to an extent, so I tried to give her more space. Over time, I noticed the "Jekyll and Hyde" effect that the book talks about as well. She's often able to make time to see her friends, obsessively check social media, text other people back, and it seems like she's having a great time doing all of those things; when it comes to me, she's cold and distant. She's not as loving as she used to be.
About two weeks ago, she told me that she's been feeling some fear from what she thinks is the escalation of commitment. She was very, very reassuring that she still loves me, wants to marry me, and doesn't want to take any steps back. Her schedule has become super, super packed and she keeps adding more onto it, which I think is self-destructive, but she says she needs the distraction. She said that due to all that she has going on, she feels like she's been growing apart from me, and deep down she fears that she won't be able to grow back into me. She doesn't feel that that is the case, but she feels guilty for even thinking along those lines. With that constantly in the back of her head, she said that talking to me just agitates that feeling and chokes her up. She feels like it's easier to just ignore me and not deal with it right now.
That's where I need some guidance. I've been dealing with this extra emotional distance for a couple of months now, and it's to the point where I see her less than once a week on Skype, and it's very brief when I do see her. I rarely get texts back from her, even if she's being responsive and happy towards other people. She graduates sooner than I do, and will be done in about three weeks. She has agreed that after she graduates, she will put the extra time into trying to solve this, and she said that she'd even seek out professional help if I felt it necessary (thank goodness). Right now, it's just hard to feel like I'm in a relationship with someone that by and large seems to be indifferent to my existence. I'm not horribly worried that she will try to break things off, I'm just more concerned as to how I should deal with this both now and in the future. Three more weeks of this sounds daunting, but is obviously manageable. I'd expect that things would be a bit easier in person, as it's not as simple as just ignoring a text or screening a call if I'm there with her. I know that everyone's situation is different, and that to some this won't be a big deal at all, but it has definitely been freaky for me as I try to figure out how the woman I love so much has manged to distance herself so much in so little time. I could be wrong, but I see two options in this type of situation (if/when it arises again in the future): 1.) be more assertive and tell her that I need more from her, or 2.) just try to be more passive and wait out the storm. I don't know if being more assertive would just do more to push her away, or if it would bring us closer. I don't enjoy being neglected and treated like I'm at the bottom of her priorities all of the time, and that makes it hard to be passive.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I wish everyone well in their own situations! It's nice to see that we can all be in this together and don't have to suffer in silence.
My fiancée and I recently got engaged (December 29, 2014). We've been in a long distance relationship for just about a year now officially, and we were exclusive and committed to each other for a little more than half a year on top of that (I didn't want to ask her to be my girlfriend over the phone, but I eventually caved and did just that). We've had plans ever since we got engaged for me to move into a new apartment with her as soon as I graduate this June. I'll be moving from OR to MN. We've seen each other every two months, as our busy schedules allow. We're both heavily involved college seniors. Our relationship has been wonderful and has lacked serious disagreement up to this point. On the issues that we have disagreed with, we've been able to talk them out respectfully and come to compromises. About two months ago, things started changing. We used to Skype nearly every night, if even just to say good night. We used to text throughout the day, just to keep one another in the loop and send cute little messages. For two months, she has gradually been struggling to find time to communicate with me. She's been cold, critical, unaffectionate, and unresponsive to the majority of my loving efforts. I had mentioned this a few times and she has apologized profusely, but excused herself as being way busier than usual (which is true) and just drained in terms of energy. I could understand that to an extent, so I tried to give her more space. Over time, I noticed the "Jekyll and Hyde" effect that the book talks about as well. She's often able to make time to see her friends, obsessively check social media, text other people back, and it seems like she's having a great time doing all of those things; when it comes to me, she's cold and distant. She's not as loving as she used to be.
About two weeks ago, she told me that she's been feeling some fear from what she thinks is the escalation of commitment. She was very, very reassuring that she still loves me, wants to marry me, and doesn't want to take any steps back. Her schedule has become super, super packed and she keeps adding more onto it, which I think is self-destructive, but she says she needs the distraction. She said that due to all that she has going on, she feels like she's been growing apart from me, and deep down she fears that she won't be able to grow back into me. She doesn't feel that that is the case, but she feels guilty for even thinking along those lines. With that constantly in the back of her head, she said that talking to me just agitates that feeling and chokes her up. She feels like it's easier to just ignore me and not deal with it right now.
That's where I need some guidance. I've been dealing with this extra emotional distance for a couple of months now, and it's to the point where I see her less than once a week on Skype, and it's very brief when I do see her. I rarely get texts back from her, even if she's being responsive and happy towards other people. She graduates sooner than I do, and will be done in about three weeks. She has agreed that after she graduates, she will put the extra time into trying to solve this, and she said that she'd even seek out professional help if I felt it necessary (thank goodness). Right now, it's just hard to feel like I'm in a relationship with someone that by and large seems to be indifferent to my existence. I'm not horribly worried that she will try to break things off, I'm just more concerned as to how I should deal with this both now and in the future. Three more weeks of this sounds daunting, but is obviously manageable. I'd expect that things would be a bit easier in person, as it's not as simple as just ignoring a text or screening a call if I'm there with her. I know that everyone's situation is different, and that to some this won't be a big deal at all, but it has definitely been freaky for me as I try to figure out how the woman I love so much has manged to distance herself so much in so little time. I could be wrong, but I see two options in this type of situation (if/when it arises again in the future): 1.) be more assertive and tell her that I need more from her, or 2.) just try to be more passive and wait out the storm. I don't know if being more assertive would just do more to push her away, or if it would bring us closer. I don't enjoy being neglected and treated like I'm at the bottom of her priorities all of the time, and that makes it hard to be passive.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I wish everyone well in their own situations! It's nice to see that we can all be in this together and don't have to suffer in silence.




