~~New to this board and really hoping for some answers. Apologies in advance for the novel!! I've been in a LDR with a man who I met almost 2 years ago, and started dating 7 months ago. We live VERY far apart and his job is in a very isolated environment. He works/lives onsite for 6 weeks and is off for 2. Anyway, we spent a month together and decided to pursue a LDR. It was intense from the beginning, with texts all day every day and hours of phone calls. We met up for 3 weeks and had an amazing time. He flew across the world to visit me 6 weeks later, but the day he left, he received a very harsh email from his boss implying he was failing at his job (which he was already unhappy at). From that point on he seemed very different, and started telling me his feelings were not at the same level as mine and he wasn't enjoying things as much as he used to. The day he was set to leave he said he wanted to breakup because he didn't see a way forward for us and it was too hard to leave, etc. After talking it out, he said it was his job that was the problem, not me, apologized up and down and seemed to be recommitted. We went back to texting and skyping but each day his replies were all about how miserable work was, and his anxiety and physical ailments. I went to visit him two weeks later to see if I could help, and we had an amazing time together. We started talking about plans for me to move to join him and to be together for real. It was very hard saying goodbye but I felt like we were heading in a good direction, and he had had a breakthrough with his boss.
Over the next 10 days, I will admit to being needy and asking for extra attention, and pushing the issue of when I could see him again. He told me he was struggling with work and depression (which he had issues with before due to an abusive father) but that I was the only thing that had made him happy over the last couple of years. Then 2 days later he texted me that he was "having trouble getting his head around our situation". We got on Skype and he completely blindsided me by ending things, saying he is so far into the depression that he doesn't even love himself and was thinking about suicide, and that I deserve better. I was shocked and begged him to not make decisions like this while he was depressed but he said it was over. Later he texted me and said that he just needed time to think and that he was sorry. I gave him a lot of space over the next couple weeks, and he did text me to say he was thinking of me every day and was trying to get his head together. I said I was willing to be patient, as I have suffered MDEs before. In the end, he sent me a very sad email about how he is broken right now, and that I don't deserve a broken person. That he could barely get out of bed and that his thoughts were so dark that he couldn't even think about how to make a plan for us to move forward, and that he knew I must hate him and that he was so sorry that he couldn't/can't give me the love and attention I deserve because he doesn't even like himself.
I asked if we could speak on the phone, and we did for 3.5 hours during which I let out a lot of anger and frustration at his statements that he's doing this now because he knows he'll just hurt me again later and disappoint me, with me pushing back that it's insane to burn everything down now because you're scared of the future. He also said he wasn't sure of his feelings for me but in the next sentence said he was thinking about coming to live with me to get away from his job, and that he's so confused about the next steps in his life/career. I asked him why he'd want to push away someone who wants to support him, and if he'd been happier without me in the prior weeks. He said that of course he hadn't been happier and that he missed me terribly but didn't see a way forward for anything, including me, and that I deserved better. I again objected on the basis that I should get to decide what I can handle, and that I wanted to be there for him because he can't do it alone (by this point he'd been isolating from everyone but me for months). I'll admit that I did get a bit aggressive by saying that if he thought I was so great and deserve better that the other option was to be better, not just toss aside what we had built together. He was crying and confused, and said that I was worth it and he did want to try to be better. Form there we went on to catch up and had a few laughs, and he said he'd really, really missed me and was so sorry for the hurt he caused.
The next day I reflected and realized I may have just bullied him into saying what I wanted to hear, so I asked what he thought the takeaway was. He said that he was still unsure about what to do about us, and that he's so messed up over his job and not knowing what to do next and that's before he even got to thinking about us. He asked if we could still talk while he figured things out (I had said that it would be too hard for me to be friends) but that he couldn't make any promises as to where it will lead. He also said that he knew this was hurting us both and he was so sorry but that he really needed to think about what's best for the long term. In the two weeks since, I've tried to be cheerful and flirty with him, but his texts have been like a cold stranger - he replies, and always says "sorry I have been so silent" but he's matter of fact and not very conversational. But then he asked if I wanted to Skype, and we talked for an hour like nothing had happened. We were laughing and he dropped a hint about coming to visit, and it was great. I waited two days to hear from him, and just asked "how's it going"? No reply. Two days later I texted again to say hi, he replied, apologized again for his silence, said he'd been sleeping a ton and working, and again didn't really invite too much of a response. I said it had been really fun to skype and see him laugh, and that while times are bad for both of us right now, I felt like they could turn around. I also said that I was here for him to talk anytime...and I got no reply at all, which really hurt. It's been two days now and I don't plan on contacting him until he contacts me but I am terrified he won't. I'm torturing myself trying to understand what the hell he's thinking and how things went from planning a future to breaking up before I had a chance to unpack. I feel like he totally threw me away, and it really hurt to hear him say that he didn't know if he had the same feelings for me. Add in the confusion of him saying it was too painful to keep saying goodye (which to me contradicts not having feelings), and that even after breaking up with me he was thinking that maybe he should leave his job and just come here to be with me and it's a mess.
It's too hard for me to get the cold texts but I feel that if I don't contact him he'll just forget me. He knows he is depressed and needs to work on himself and has resumed exercising (he won't see a doctor or a therpaist - he saw one during his teen years, and the therapist broke confidentiality and told his parents about the session, which led to his dad beating him - so that's out, plus he lives in a remote location without psychologists), but I don't know what role I can play, if any. I'm absolutely devastated and confused. Long story longer, everyone keeps telling me that the "you deserve better" line is just a guy saying he's not that into me, and I kind of believe that. I also think that if you want someone bad enough, you fight to be the person they deserve. I'm blamng myself and thinking he's happier without me and I am a total mess. So I guess my question is - can depression make someone suddenly blow up their own life? Does it make you feel like you've lost interest in someone you love? What, if anything, can I do to help bring him back to himself and to me? Or is this just doomed?
Over the next 10 days, I will admit to being needy and asking for extra attention, and pushing the issue of when I could see him again. He told me he was struggling with work and depression (which he had issues with before due to an abusive father) but that I was the only thing that had made him happy over the last couple of years. Then 2 days later he texted me that he was "having trouble getting his head around our situation". We got on Skype and he completely blindsided me by ending things, saying he is so far into the depression that he doesn't even love himself and was thinking about suicide, and that I deserve better. I was shocked and begged him to not make decisions like this while he was depressed but he said it was over. Later he texted me and said that he just needed time to think and that he was sorry. I gave him a lot of space over the next couple weeks, and he did text me to say he was thinking of me every day and was trying to get his head together. I said I was willing to be patient, as I have suffered MDEs before. In the end, he sent me a very sad email about how he is broken right now, and that I don't deserve a broken person. That he could barely get out of bed and that his thoughts were so dark that he couldn't even think about how to make a plan for us to move forward, and that he knew I must hate him and that he was so sorry that he couldn't/can't give me the love and attention I deserve because he doesn't even like himself.
I asked if we could speak on the phone, and we did for 3.5 hours during which I let out a lot of anger and frustration at his statements that he's doing this now because he knows he'll just hurt me again later and disappoint me, with me pushing back that it's insane to burn everything down now because you're scared of the future. He also said he wasn't sure of his feelings for me but in the next sentence said he was thinking about coming to live with me to get away from his job, and that he's so confused about the next steps in his life/career. I asked him why he'd want to push away someone who wants to support him, and if he'd been happier without me in the prior weeks. He said that of course he hadn't been happier and that he missed me terribly but didn't see a way forward for anything, including me, and that I deserved better. I again objected on the basis that I should get to decide what I can handle, and that I wanted to be there for him because he can't do it alone (by this point he'd been isolating from everyone but me for months). I'll admit that I did get a bit aggressive by saying that if he thought I was so great and deserve better that the other option was to be better, not just toss aside what we had built together. He was crying and confused, and said that I was worth it and he did want to try to be better. Form there we went on to catch up and had a few laughs, and he said he'd really, really missed me and was so sorry for the hurt he caused.
The next day I reflected and realized I may have just bullied him into saying what I wanted to hear, so I asked what he thought the takeaway was. He said that he was still unsure about what to do about us, and that he's so messed up over his job and not knowing what to do next and that's before he even got to thinking about us. He asked if we could still talk while he figured things out (I had said that it would be too hard for me to be friends) but that he couldn't make any promises as to where it will lead. He also said that he knew this was hurting us both and he was so sorry but that he really needed to think about what's best for the long term. In the two weeks since, I've tried to be cheerful and flirty with him, but his texts have been like a cold stranger - he replies, and always says "sorry I have been so silent" but he's matter of fact and not very conversational. But then he asked if I wanted to Skype, and we talked for an hour like nothing had happened. We were laughing and he dropped a hint about coming to visit, and it was great. I waited two days to hear from him, and just asked "how's it going"? No reply. Two days later I texted again to say hi, he replied, apologized again for his silence, said he'd been sleeping a ton and working, and again didn't really invite too much of a response. I said it had been really fun to skype and see him laugh, and that while times are bad for both of us right now, I felt like they could turn around. I also said that I was here for him to talk anytime...and I got no reply at all, which really hurt. It's been two days now and I don't plan on contacting him until he contacts me but I am terrified he won't. I'm torturing myself trying to understand what the hell he's thinking and how things went from planning a future to breaking up before I had a chance to unpack. I feel like he totally threw me away, and it really hurt to hear him say that he didn't know if he had the same feelings for me. Add in the confusion of him saying it was too painful to keep saying goodye (which to me contradicts not having feelings), and that even after breaking up with me he was thinking that maybe he should leave his job and just come here to be with me and it's a mess.
It's too hard for me to get the cold texts but I feel that if I don't contact him he'll just forget me. He knows he is depressed and needs to work on himself and has resumed exercising (he won't see a doctor or a therpaist - he saw one during his teen years, and the therapist broke confidentiality and told his parents about the session, which led to his dad beating him - so that's out, plus he lives in a remote location without psychologists), but I don't know what role I can play, if any. I'm absolutely devastated and confused. Long story longer, everyone keeps telling me that the "you deserve better" line is just a guy saying he's not that into me, and I kind of believe that. I also think that if you want someone bad enough, you fight to be the person they deserve. I'm blamng myself and thinking he's happier without me and I am a total mess. So I guess my question is - can depression make someone suddenly blow up their own life? Does it make you feel like you've lost interest in someone you love? What, if anything, can I do to help bring him back to himself and to me? Or is this just doomed?




