Hello everyone,
I'm totally new posting on here but I've been lurking for awhile reading other people's posts. My story isn't particularly different really. Around nine months ago, I was engaged to a man with severe depression. His work requires a medical clearance so his depression is diagnosed but unmedicated and at the time that we were together, he wasn't in therapy though looking back, his depression was getting worse by the day. During the tail end of the time we were together, he also cheated on me with a previous girlfriend. We have been in contact now for about 5 months and though he's expressed interest in going to couples therapy and working on developing a real friendship and then seeing where things can go from there, the reality is that his depression is very severe and though he's in therapy 3X a week, he's still unmedicated. His relationships are all a mess, especially the ones with his family. It seems that the depression is hard-wired (as well as genetic - his sister has it too) from his relationship with his father in particular.
I have been in relationships since then and have not been able to commit and have always wondered what could come of my relationship with him if we really worked on things alongside the therapy-work for his depression. Sometimes, he's very communicative, opening up about all kinds of things including depression and sometimes we are able to talk about things like our relationship and infidelity and sometimes we just can't. I have read nearly every book about depression that I have had time to and I've summarized the best parts for him and had lengthy conversations with him about these things. I have tried to check in on him and be supportive (his therapist was surprised at how supportive I've been given our history). But, at the end of the day, there are long stretches where if I don't reach out, he doesn't either. And sometimes I reach out and he ignores me. That's really hard on me.
So a friend suggested today that he needs to get stronger before he can be in a relationship and that withdrawing from him will allow him to get stronger and focus on therapy. But, I also know he's very needy and often feels rejected when no one is actually rejecting him. So, I'm caught between being silent and doing the classic "no contact" in order to cause him to chase and reaching out to support him. My friend says that if I want him to see me as a woman instead of his "mom" basically I need to pull back. So, his therapist wanted him to shut off his phone on Friday-Sunday and he told me not to worry and summarized her instructions. But, here we are on Monday and no sign of him. I haven't said a word since a day isn't a big deal but I don't know if the silence will make him reach out or saying I'm there for him will. Any advice or guidance will help. How do I get him to make an effort toward me?
Thanks for listening to my rant. Just typing this and knowing that so many other people are in similar situations helps immensely.
I'm totally new posting on here but I've been lurking for awhile reading other people's posts. My story isn't particularly different really. Around nine months ago, I was engaged to a man with severe depression. His work requires a medical clearance so his depression is diagnosed but unmedicated and at the time that we were together, he wasn't in therapy though looking back, his depression was getting worse by the day. During the tail end of the time we were together, he also cheated on me with a previous girlfriend. We have been in contact now for about 5 months and though he's expressed interest in going to couples therapy and working on developing a real friendship and then seeing where things can go from there, the reality is that his depression is very severe and though he's in therapy 3X a week, he's still unmedicated. His relationships are all a mess, especially the ones with his family. It seems that the depression is hard-wired (as well as genetic - his sister has it too) from his relationship with his father in particular.
I have been in relationships since then and have not been able to commit and have always wondered what could come of my relationship with him if we really worked on things alongside the therapy-work for his depression. Sometimes, he's very communicative, opening up about all kinds of things including depression and sometimes we are able to talk about things like our relationship and infidelity and sometimes we just can't. I have read nearly every book about depression that I have had time to and I've summarized the best parts for him and had lengthy conversations with him about these things. I have tried to check in on him and be supportive (his therapist was surprised at how supportive I've been given our history). But, at the end of the day, there are long stretches where if I don't reach out, he doesn't either. And sometimes I reach out and he ignores me. That's really hard on me.
So a friend suggested today that he needs to get stronger before he can be in a relationship and that withdrawing from him will allow him to get stronger and focus on therapy. But, I also know he's very needy and often feels rejected when no one is actually rejecting him. So, I'm caught between being silent and doing the classic "no contact" in order to cause him to chase and reaching out to support him. My friend says that if I want him to see me as a woman instead of his "mom" basically I need to pull back. So, his therapist wanted him to shut off his phone on Friday-Sunday and he told me not to worry and summarized her instructions. But, here we are on Monday and no sign of him. I haven't said a word since a day isn't a big deal but I don't know if the silence will make him reach out or saying I'm there for him will. Any advice or guidance will help. How do I get him to make an effort toward me?
Thanks for listening to my rant. Just typing this and knowing that so many other people are in similar situations helps immensely.




