Hey guys, so I had a pretty intense conversation with my exDBF last night and I guess I just need to get it out my system. I'm so torn up and confused right now.
I think I mentioned in a previous post that my exDBF had a close female best friend. They work together and spend a lot of time together. I've never really been okay with it, but I understood that spending time with his friends made him happy, and I just had to trust him. It's been hard for me because a couple of months ago she was at his house and they got talking about his depression and each other's problems and they kissed. Apparently it was just a peck, and it left them both feeling awkward and weird and they decided they didn't want anything to come from it. We weren't together at the time, but it still ruined me. He also wound up in hospital a few days later because he was so distraught about it and contemplating ending his life because he felt like he'd ruined everything. It's a long story.
Last night he text me saying that she basically told him that she had feelings for him, and he didn't know what to do. It was if he was asking for my advice. He said he wasn't sure what to think and he didn't want to cause any issues and he didn't want me being upset. I literally felt my heart break into two. I thought I'd finally been coping okay. I'd given him space, like he'd asked for. I'd been there for him as a friend, and now he's basically telling me that this girl has feelings for him and he might have feelings for her too. When I asked him if he did, he said "if I'm being 100% honest, I don't know. I don't think so." He said it's hard because he's in a really rough place but he loves spending time with her. But he doesn't want anything to be ruined anywhere.
When I asked him what she'd said to him, he said "I don't know." I kept pressing, but he wouldn't tell me. He just said it was apparent that she has feelings for him. So I have no idea what was said or done. He's keeping something from me. There's definitely something he doesn't want to tell me.
I made it clear that if he has feelings for her too and is planning on acting on them, I'm done. I really can't do this anymore. I've tolerated a lot over the years, but standing by and pretending to be happy for him and supportive while he runs off with a girl from work is NOT something I'd be able to do. I can't do it. But I also can't bear to lose him over this.
This is when I think he started to panic. He started asking what I meant, saying that he couldn't bear to think of me with anyone else. That he can't lose me. He kept saying that I'm his best friend no matter what and I'm his rock and he needs me in his life.
I told him that I felt like I'd been pushed to my limit, that I couldn't do this anymore.
He got home from work and I went over to talk to him properly. I basically had a breakdown as soon as I got there. We both cried and hugged for a long time. But then I sat up, away from him, and asked him what exactly had happened today. He still wouldn't be clear about it. He said that basically she'd made a comment about how good-looking he was, that he knew she had feelings for him, and he didn't know what to do about it.
He started crying really hard saying that his head was so messed up, that he didn't know what to do anymore and he wished he could fix it. He said that he loves me more than anything else in the world, and he wants to be with me, but he can't, because his brain is telling him that he doesn't deserve me.
He said he thinks he's confused about his feelings for his friend because he's been missing me and craving some kind of affection. I aruged back that it was HIM that said he didn't want affection from me, and that he wanted space while he got better, and he said he knows he did, and that it's his fault and he's just confused. He said that he thinks the fact that someone else finds him attractive is appealing because he has such low self-esteem.
I can't really remember a lot of what was said, my head is in such a blur.
We ended up kissing, and I do feel bad about it because I know I should have said no, but I still love him. This is all just so messed up. We talked for a long time and he said a lot of stuff about how he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for me, that he wants me to always be a part of his life and his best friend. That he doesn't know what the future holds, but he'll always be there for me.
I'm so hurt and confused. He'd already made plans to see her and some other friends tonight, and he said he's going to talk to her. I have no idea what he's going to say.
We were texting before and I said I don't know how any of this is going to work anymore. He asked if he'd ruined it and if it was too late, and I said I didn't know. Because at the moment, I don't. I feel so hurt and angry and confused that I can't think straight. I DO want to be with him, I want him to get better and I want us to be together. I can deal with his depression, I can support him through it, but I can't deal with this. I feel like he's weighing up which option is best for him - fight for me, or go to her. He basically said that he doesn't know what he wants, because he wants to be happy (as in free from his D) but he wants to be with me, but he feels like he can only have one or the other. But then he went on to say that he's fighting for both, and he has hope.
But my hope is almost gone. We were together for over 8 years. I saw my future with this man. I still do. He's been my best friend for practically my whole life. But I feel like I've been pushed too far this time. And I don't know what he wants from me.
I think I mentioned in a previous post that my exDBF had a close female best friend. They work together and spend a lot of time together. I've never really been okay with it, but I understood that spending time with his friends made him happy, and I just had to trust him. It's been hard for me because a couple of months ago she was at his house and they got talking about his depression and each other's problems and they kissed. Apparently it was just a peck, and it left them both feeling awkward and weird and they decided they didn't want anything to come from it. We weren't together at the time, but it still ruined me. He also wound up in hospital a few days later because he was so distraught about it and contemplating ending his life because he felt like he'd ruined everything. It's a long story.
Last night he text me saying that she basically told him that she had feelings for him, and he didn't know what to do. It was if he was asking for my advice. He said he wasn't sure what to think and he didn't want to cause any issues and he didn't want me being upset. I literally felt my heart break into two. I thought I'd finally been coping okay. I'd given him space, like he'd asked for. I'd been there for him as a friend, and now he's basically telling me that this girl has feelings for him and he might have feelings for her too. When I asked him if he did, he said "if I'm being 100% honest, I don't know. I don't think so." He said it's hard because he's in a really rough place but he loves spending time with her. But he doesn't want anything to be ruined anywhere.
When I asked him what she'd said to him, he said "I don't know." I kept pressing, but he wouldn't tell me. He just said it was apparent that she has feelings for him. So I have no idea what was said or done. He's keeping something from me. There's definitely something he doesn't want to tell me.
I made it clear that if he has feelings for her too and is planning on acting on them, I'm done. I really can't do this anymore. I've tolerated a lot over the years, but standing by and pretending to be happy for him and supportive while he runs off with a girl from work is NOT something I'd be able to do. I can't do it. But I also can't bear to lose him over this.
This is when I think he started to panic. He started asking what I meant, saying that he couldn't bear to think of me with anyone else. That he can't lose me. He kept saying that I'm his best friend no matter what and I'm his rock and he needs me in his life.
I told him that I felt like I'd been pushed to my limit, that I couldn't do this anymore.
He got home from work and I went over to talk to him properly. I basically had a breakdown as soon as I got there. We both cried and hugged for a long time. But then I sat up, away from him, and asked him what exactly had happened today. He still wouldn't be clear about it. He said that basically she'd made a comment about how good-looking he was, that he knew she had feelings for him, and he didn't know what to do about it.
He started crying really hard saying that his head was so messed up, that he didn't know what to do anymore and he wished he could fix it. He said that he loves me more than anything else in the world, and he wants to be with me, but he can't, because his brain is telling him that he doesn't deserve me.
He said he thinks he's confused about his feelings for his friend because he's been missing me and craving some kind of affection. I aruged back that it was HIM that said he didn't want affection from me, and that he wanted space while he got better, and he said he knows he did, and that it's his fault and he's just confused. He said that he thinks the fact that someone else finds him attractive is appealing because he has such low self-esteem.
I can't really remember a lot of what was said, my head is in such a blur.
We ended up kissing, and I do feel bad about it because I know I should have said no, but I still love him. This is all just so messed up. We talked for a long time and he said a lot of stuff about how he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for me, that he wants me to always be a part of his life and his best friend. That he doesn't know what the future holds, but he'll always be there for me.
I'm so hurt and confused. He'd already made plans to see her and some other friends tonight, and he said he's going to talk to her. I have no idea what he's going to say.
We were texting before and I said I don't know how any of this is going to work anymore. He asked if he'd ruined it and if it was too late, and I said I didn't know. Because at the moment, I don't. I feel so hurt and angry and confused that I can't think straight. I DO want to be with him, I want him to get better and I want us to be together. I can deal with his depression, I can support him through it, but I can't deal with this. I feel like he's weighing up which option is best for him - fight for me, or go to her. He basically said that he doesn't know what he wants, because he wants to be happy (as in free from his D) but he wants to be with me, but he feels like he can only have one or the other. But then he went on to say that he's fighting for both, and he has hope.
But my hope is almost gone. We were together for over 8 years. I saw my future with this man. I still do. He's been my best friend for practically my whole life. But I feel like I've been pushed too far this time. And I don't know what he wants from me.




