How has depression affected my relationship with my wife?
Interaction:
My relationship with my wife has unfortunately been molded around my depression. To interact with me is also to interact with the many forms it takes on. The forms come in anger, irritability, sadness, tiredness, my desire for isolation and my desire to not live.
The thing with depression is that we do not always know when it is occurring and at what level. So interaction with each other becomes distorted. All the small mannerisms of affection that occur within a relationship begin to wane for us. This is interpreted into not feeling loved. This turns into a vicious cycle with each of us reciprocating accordingly to the loss of affection that they perceive. The reciprocation is usually negative thus the spiral begins.
There are plenty of times my wife argues with the depression at forthright. Sometimes she does this out of frustration with the depression. Other times she does not realize that she is interacting with the depression. Sometimes she just wants to be heard. The sad part about arguing with the depression is that it is a no win situation. What I say may hurt her but I am not conscious of it. If I am conscious of it I cannot internalize it to understand its impact. It becomes all about me so I just dont care.
My depression takes on a destructive quality. I do not particularly take aim to extend that destruction to my wife. It is just that she is the one person that is around me the most. We know each other too well, whether through facts, shared past experiences or intimacy. That gives me inside knowledge to wield out pain. Disrespect rises to an all time high. Any moments of joy will be tainted. Again the only explanation for this is the hurt inside of me and the unfortunate-ness of her proximity to me in every day living.
Her response is less time engaged in me, more time engaged in my daughter and in activities away from me. We become alienated to one another. My depression continues to grow, feeding on the isolation thus alienating us even more. This makes the reconnect to one another more intense. The reconnect consumes large amounts of time. Time that should have been spent more wisely making wonderful memories.
Memories:
Certainly past memories of good times are obliterated. I just cant find them in my mind. I was amazed one night, while a depressive episode was occurring, I stumbled across a few old photo albums of our past. There were so many moments of two lives shared. I had completely forgotten them. All those memories, each cementing a love together, flooded back to me that night, reminding me of a love I knew like no other. The irony though, is that a week later I begin to tell my wife I dont love her and that I may have never loved her. The night I strolled down memory lane, let alone the wonderful memories themselves, are all but forgotten.
Sex:
What sex? Sex is not desired. As a depressed person I do not want to have sex. And I can not imagine why someone would want to have sex with a depressed person. So it does not happen thus intimacy is obscured even further. She will then not feel wanted. The depression just found a new tool, this negative feeling, to perpetuate its destruction toward her. The lost of contact hurts her as well as me. The depression saves no one.
Cover-up:
To mask my depression, I have used drinking. It must have been rotten for her to have some one smelling like alcohol every night. To have someone that would only smile when tipsy. To have to deal with someone who has consumed too much and knowing why.
Ive also used obsessive compulsiveness to distract from the depression. If things were not just right then all hell could break loose. This would require more tip toeing. I would micromanage to the very nth degree to the very nth detail. I always had to have things just right. That is really tough. Trying to meet my standards during this masking was all but failure for her.
Partner in Life:
I would think that my wife is most affected by the depression in that she has an unequal partner. That she has an unstable partner. That she has an absent partner. She never knows what mood will be forth coming from me. She tip toes around me trying to decipher how to interact with me. She tries not to agitate me. After all she does not want experience the out bursts of anger that have previously occurred, both in private and in public. Both which can happen without a moments notice. Hence she is not at ease.
The dance she does around me makes her the care giver whether she wants that role or not. She is all giving and is receiving little in return. I want to drop out of life. She is trying to live a life. She does not want to just sit at home and stare at the walls, which could occupy my time from here to eternity.
Angry and sadness:
Since realizing, I mean truly realizing that I am a depressed person, she is angry and sad that it took this much time (16+ years) to actively seek treatment. I must have made life really hard for her. I am surprised she has not left me.
She has hanged on hoping for the person she met so long ago. She gets glimpses of that person every now and then. This gives her hope but also sadness. Sadness because it is only a glimpse. Sadness because that slight glimpse fools her that life may be returning to what it once was. Of course it does not.
Treatment & Boundaries:
The funny thing about treatment and the depressive is that the depressive has a tendency to resist the healing process. My wife and I have experienced that. I get into one of my moods, maybe feeling self conscious or angry. I want to stop therapy or the medication or both. My wife knowing this set three boundaries:
(1) I must stay on the anti-depressants
(2) I must stay in therapy
(3) I must respect her.
I was quite surprised, when I tested these conditions, how hard fast she stuck to them. Through her crying and almost incoherent words she simply stated she would leave me if continued this path. I was finally boxed in. The game was over. My actions were going to have real consequences. The responsibility was suddenly shifted back to me.
Healing:
The healing from depression can not just occur within the depressive. The depression has done so much damage to the relationship that it must occur in both partners. As the depressive grows through the process so will the need for their partner to grow as well. I can not see any other way for our relationship to remain if we do not both embark on the journey. Our relationship will never be the same. Hopefully our relationship will be enriched. This is what we have begun to do.
Interaction:
My relationship with my wife has unfortunately been molded around my depression. To interact with me is also to interact with the many forms it takes on. The forms come in anger, irritability, sadness, tiredness, my desire for isolation and my desire to not live.
The thing with depression is that we do not always know when it is occurring and at what level. So interaction with each other becomes distorted. All the small mannerisms of affection that occur within a relationship begin to wane for us. This is interpreted into not feeling loved. This turns into a vicious cycle with each of us reciprocating accordingly to the loss of affection that they perceive. The reciprocation is usually negative thus the spiral begins.
There are plenty of times my wife argues with the depression at forthright. Sometimes she does this out of frustration with the depression. Other times she does not realize that she is interacting with the depression. Sometimes she just wants to be heard. The sad part about arguing with the depression is that it is a no win situation. What I say may hurt her but I am not conscious of it. If I am conscious of it I cannot internalize it to understand its impact. It becomes all about me so I just dont care.
My depression takes on a destructive quality. I do not particularly take aim to extend that destruction to my wife. It is just that she is the one person that is around me the most. We know each other too well, whether through facts, shared past experiences or intimacy. That gives me inside knowledge to wield out pain. Disrespect rises to an all time high. Any moments of joy will be tainted. Again the only explanation for this is the hurt inside of me and the unfortunate-ness of her proximity to me in every day living.
Her response is less time engaged in me, more time engaged in my daughter and in activities away from me. We become alienated to one another. My depression continues to grow, feeding on the isolation thus alienating us even more. This makes the reconnect to one another more intense. The reconnect consumes large amounts of time. Time that should have been spent more wisely making wonderful memories.
Memories:
Certainly past memories of good times are obliterated. I just cant find them in my mind. I was amazed one night, while a depressive episode was occurring, I stumbled across a few old photo albums of our past. There were so many moments of two lives shared. I had completely forgotten them. All those memories, each cementing a love together, flooded back to me that night, reminding me of a love I knew like no other. The irony though, is that a week later I begin to tell my wife I dont love her and that I may have never loved her. The night I strolled down memory lane, let alone the wonderful memories themselves, are all but forgotten.
Sex:
What sex? Sex is not desired. As a depressed person I do not want to have sex. And I can not imagine why someone would want to have sex with a depressed person. So it does not happen thus intimacy is obscured even further. She will then not feel wanted. The depression just found a new tool, this negative feeling, to perpetuate its destruction toward her. The lost of contact hurts her as well as me. The depression saves no one.
Cover-up:
To mask my depression, I have used drinking. It must have been rotten for her to have some one smelling like alcohol every night. To have someone that would only smile when tipsy. To have to deal with someone who has consumed too much and knowing why.
Ive also used obsessive compulsiveness to distract from the depression. If things were not just right then all hell could break loose. This would require more tip toeing. I would micromanage to the very nth degree to the very nth detail. I always had to have things just right. That is really tough. Trying to meet my standards during this masking was all but failure for her.
Partner in Life:
I would think that my wife is most affected by the depression in that she has an unequal partner. That she has an unstable partner. That she has an absent partner. She never knows what mood will be forth coming from me. She tip toes around me trying to decipher how to interact with me. She tries not to agitate me. After all she does not want experience the out bursts of anger that have previously occurred, both in private and in public. Both which can happen without a moments notice. Hence she is not at ease.
The dance she does around me makes her the care giver whether she wants that role or not. She is all giving and is receiving little in return. I want to drop out of life. She is trying to live a life. She does not want to just sit at home and stare at the walls, which could occupy my time from here to eternity.
Angry and sadness:
Since realizing, I mean truly realizing that I am a depressed person, she is angry and sad that it took this much time (16+ years) to actively seek treatment. I must have made life really hard for her. I am surprised she has not left me.
She has hanged on hoping for the person she met so long ago. She gets glimpses of that person every now and then. This gives her hope but also sadness. Sadness because it is only a glimpse. Sadness because that slight glimpse fools her that life may be returning to what it once was. Of course it does not.
Treatment & Boundaries:
The funny thing about treatment and the depressive is that the depressive has a tendency to resist the healing process. My wife and I have experienced that. I get into one of my moods, maybe feeling self conscious or angry. I want to stop therapy or the medication or both. My wife knowing this set three boundaries:
(1) I must stay on the anti-depressants
(2) I must stay in therapy
(3) I must respect her.
I was quite surprised, when I tested these conditions, how hard fast she stuck to them. Through her crying and almost incoherent words she simply stated she would leave me if continued this path. I was finally boxed in. The game was over. My actions were going to have real consequences. The responsibility was suddenly shifted back to me.
Healing:
The healing from depression can not just occur within the depressive. The depression has done so much damage to the relationship that it must occur in both partners. As the depressive grows through the process so will the need for their partner to grow as well. I can not see any other way for our relationship to remain if we do not both embark on the journey. Our relationship will never be the same. Hopefully our relationship will be enriched. This is what we have begun to do.




