I was thinking of something this morning while I was driving my daughter to school...
Now, before you read this, please know that I am asking this question with the utmost respect for all of you here. I admire your strength and commitment to your relationships, I just have to ask your opinion on this and maybe get some more insight from those who have going through this with their SOs and from people who suffer with D.
I know our SOs are depressed, and that they are confused. I know that their brains are failing them, and making them think and feel things that might not be natural or "normal." But people who are depressed still seem to know the difference between right and wrong. There is some behavior that is socially unacceptable that I think some of us (including myself) have reinforced. In life, you can't just push things away that are important. It might be difficult to get up and go to work in the morning, but many people with D get up and do it because they need to. It might be difficult for them to attend events...but they do it...and they put on a happy face and make everybody else think they're ok. Many people with D are able to hold jobs and maintain relationships with other people, friends, family, etc. (I said many, not all).
My question is regarding our SOs who push us away when they "need time" or want to be alone. I'm not talking about the usual...I want to go out with the guys, or I want to just watch some TV and be left alone. I'm talking about cancelling weddings, leaving marriages with children, taking long breaks without talking to their SOs. To me, one time might be an anamoly...but when it happens over and over, I wonder if it is learned behavior that has been reinforced, or has shown to have no consequences.
My Df cancelled our wedding, and now, he asked for a "break" with little to no communication. I am respecting his wishes, but I feel like if I let him think this is OK to do to us and our relationship (taking a break whenever he wants, pushing me away, etc.) he will continue to do it- perhaps even in a healthy state, which I just cannot accept. If we just bend to their every need and whim, won't that just contribute to learned helplessness? I know that many of you have been going through this for years. For me, it has been 2 and a half months. I just can't see myself sticking around much longer and giving myself to him emotionally, physically, all the while knowing that he is pondering whether or not he wants to be with me. Please do not accuse me of not loving him...I love him very much...but I have been VERY hurt by this. I changed my life because I thought we were going to have a future together. I planned a wedding and have dedicated my heart and soul to this man...now, I have been horribly let down and am going to therapy for the first time in my life to try and get over the disappointment in a healthy way.
This back and forth just seems so unfair to us. Like I said in my last post...Perhaps I am not as strong as the rest of you on the board. Perhaps for me, our past just isn't enough to keep this going when it feels like there is nothing in the present and the future seems so bleak.
I have wondered if I just let him push me away and take him back every time, if he will just continue to treat me as something dispensible, even after his ADs start working? On this board, there are a few success stories...but many just end up in tatters... I feel that keeping our own emotions to ourselves...accepting the bare minimum or nothing, and then just taking them back is rewarding this behavior, which will make them think it is ok to do again. What are your thoughts on this?
Now, before you read this, please know that I am asking this question with the utmost respect for all of you here. I admire your strength and commitment to your relationships, I just have to ask your opinion on this and maybe get some more insight from those who have going through this with their SOs and from people who suffer with D.
I know our SOs are depressed, and that they are confused. I know that their brains are failing them, and making them think and feel things that might not be natural or "normal." But people who are depressed still seem to know the difference between right and wrong. There is some behavior that is socially unacceptable that I think some of us (including myself) have reinforced. In life, you can't just push things away that are important. It might be difficult to get up and go to work in the morning, but many people with D get up and do it because they need to. It might be difficult for them to attend events...but they do it...and they put on a happy face and make everybody else think they're ok. Many people with D are able to hold jobs and maintain relationships with other people, friends, family, etc. (I said many, not all).
My question is regarding our SOs who push us away when they "need time" or want to be alone. I'm not talking about the usual...I want to go out with the guys, or I want to just watch some TV and be left alone. I'm talking about cancelling weddings, leaving marriages with children, taking long breaks without talking to their SOs. To me, one time might be an anamoly...but when it happens over and over, I wonder if it is learned behavior that has been reinforced, or has shown to have no consequences.
My Df cancelled our wedding, and now, he asked for a "break" with little to no communication. I am respecting his wishes, but I feel like if I let him think this is OK to do to us and our relationship (taking a break whenever he wants, pushing me away, etc.) he will continue to do it- perhaps even in a healthy state, which I just cannot accept. If we just bend to their every need and whim, won't that just contribute to learned helplessness? I know that many of you have been going through this for years. For me, it has been 2 and a half months. I just can't see myself sticking around much longer and giving myself to him emotionally, physically, all the while knowing that he is pondering whether or not he wants to be with me. Please do not accuse me of not loving him...I love him very much...but I have been VERY hurt by this. I changed my life because I thought we were going to have a future together. I planned a wedding and have dedicated my heart and soul to this man...now, I have been horribly let down and am going to therapy for the first time in my life to try and get over the disappointment in a healthy way.
This back and forth just seems so unfair to us. Like I said in my last post...Perhaps I am not as strong as the rest of you on the board. Perhaps for me, our past just isn't enough to keep this going when it feels like there is nothing in the present and the future seems so bleak.
I have wondered if I just let him push me away and take him back every time, if he will just continue to treat me as something dispensible, even after his ADs start working? On this board, there are a few success stories...but many just end up in tatters... I feel that keeping our own emotions to ourselves...accepting the bare minimum or nothing, and then just taking them back is rewarding this behavior, which will make them think it is ok to do again. What are your thoughts on this?




