I'm posting this here as well as the general discussions as some of you old timers may not check the general as often.
Things are hitting the fan for me this week.
Those who have been around and experienced the ups and downs with your dso's I'd like a reality check, please. --just don't be too brutal. Some background can be seen on the Ask Anne segment of the message board (bipolar II accepting the dx) and other posts of mine.
DH's meds have been stable for a few months. I don't see him out of the mire yet, but I know it can be a long haul considering the depths he sank. He is now exercising regularly (which prior to leaving couldn't leave the couch)and is not as content to be taken care of by mom and dad. He has been home on two occasions since he left in August for a visit, but on both occasions I've seen indicators that depression and its affects on his thought processes still avails. He now feels he can start interviewing again and wants it to be here with the family. Really since last April, there has been no movement towards the work world--not even a volunteer world.
Please understand that I don't totally equate steady work with wellness or I'd be considered sick myself (I'm a full time stay at home mom). However, work has been always been tied to his self esteem and later depression/anxiety/irritibility triggers (lack of control, fear of failure and rejection, etc). I feel for him the ability to hold a job and work through his triggers in a work related setting is an indicator of health and stability. Many depressed people can fail in their social/family life and can still hold down a job (that sounded bad didn't it?). I also know, he will never be content to be the stay at home dad and me go out to be the provider. He isn't wired that way.
He is not the typical leave 'em and don't love you anymore and never did type of depressive. He is rather the opposite when depressed or anxious. Its more like having a 4th child...needy and clingy like during a phase of teething or going through separation anxiety. I'm quite confident there is some abandonment issues there --dad left him and family at age of 12. He takes pills like a good little boy, goes to therapy weekly, but never seems to get to the root of his problems. I can see it, many who know him and his backgound can see it... Noneless, he can't or won't go deeper to get to the root of the problem. He wants the behaviorial "tricks" to fix him. All though he kept going to therapy appointments his first 2 therapist didn't work--according to him. He tried hypnotherapy after the holidays. "It wasn't what I thought it was going to be." When challenged about his decisions he becomes majorly defensive even hostile.
So, with that long introduction...He told me today, he plans on leaving this Saturday (holy crap) to come home. He has reserved the u-hall and everything. According to him he wants to come home to attend a job fair and be here for our daughters birthday which happens to be in a week and a half. WTH!!! When he visited before (2xs) he flew. I'm not stupid. You don't drive across country with a uhall to attend a flippin job fair!!! Man! He reminds me of my 6 year old testing me if today to see if the same rules apply as they were yesterday! anyway...About 3 months ago we tried to plan for his return. In that planning I quickly found major clues that he was not stable, so I postponed.
Now, regarding this trip he said he is driving, so duh, that tells me he his intent is to return for good. In November I laid the foundation for what I needed to feel safe in his return, but Boundaries have seemingly been ignored. Time is ticking away from the end of his long term disability, and he was denied Social Security disability pay. There is financial implications if we were to remain separated in the same town. As of today, we are still married--no formal separation agreements have been made. He has been living free with parents while his long term disability covers living expenses here (not quite considering cobra payment, but we manage). He has a reasonable argument that we cannot afford two residences in our town--housing market woes, etc. We are pretty much stuck here in this house if we want to come out of the sale with any sort of money in our pocket. My earning potential as a state employee in social services is a joke... Advise to all daughters, pick a major in college which will allow you to land you a job that will support you and three kids in a major city. Social work is honorable, kiddo, but the pay sucks!
I've changed the rules, and understandably he doesn't get where I'm coming from. No more passive aggressive communication and no more mind reading. I need stability and I want to relate to my husband in a healthy way. I want him healthy and a part of our lives, but I no longer want settle for anything.
Today I told him via email and later on the phone that this is what I need from him if he intends on coming home. I wrote:
XXXX,
I find myself feeling backed in a corner by this coming home. I recognize you need to be here in town for interview purposes. You appear to be bullying me in to a living arrangement I'm not comfortable.
What I do know: I have not have control whether or not accepts his bipolar dx and work with me in a healthy way. I know I will have to plan for what's next in case he can't or won't honor these requests.
I can make it with out him. These last few months have prove that I am strong enough. However, a healthy intact family is my first choice.
Ok, you who have been around the block...any thoughts or experiences or big red flags?
Those who have been around and experienced the ups and downs with your dso's I'd like a reality check, please. --just don't be too brutal. Some background can be seen on the Ask Anne segment of the message board (bipolar II accepting the dx) and other posts of mine.
DH's meds have been stable for a few months. I don't see him out of the mire yet, but I know it can be a long haul considering the depths he sank. He is now exercising regularly (which prior to leaving couldn't leave the couch)and is not as content to be taken care of by mom and dad. He has been home on two occasions since he left in August for a visit, but on both occasions I've seen indicators that depression and its affects on his thought processes still avails. He now feels he can start interviewing again and wants it to be here with the family. Really since last April, there has been no movement towards the work world--not even a volunteer world.
Please understand that I don't totally equate steady work with wellness or I'd be considered sick myself (I'm a full time stay at home mom). However, work has been always been tied to his self esteem and later depression/anxiety/irritibility triggers (lack of control, fear of failure and rejection, etc). I feel for him the ability to hold a job and work through his triggers in a work related setting is an indicator of health and stability. Many depressed people can fail in their social/family life and can still hold down a job (that sounded bad didn't it?). I also know, he will never be content to be the stay at home dad and me go out to be the provider. He isn't wired that way.
He is not the typical leave 'em and don't love you anymore and never did type of depressive. He is rather the opposite when depressed or anxious. Its more like having a 4th child...needy and clingy like during a phase of teething or going through separation anxiety. I'm quite confident there is some abandonment issues there --dad left him and family at age of 12. He takes pills like a good little boy, goes to therapy weekly, but never seems to get to the root of his problems. I can see it, many who know him and his backgound can see it... Noneless, he can't or won't go deeper to get to the root of the problem. He wants the behaviorial "tricks" to fix him. All though he kept going to therapy appointments his first 2 therapist didn't work--according to him. He tried hypnotherapy after the holidays. "It wasn't what I thought it was going to be." When challenged about his decisions he becomes majorly defensive even hostile.
So, with that long introduction...He told me today, he plans on leaving this Saturday (holy crap) to come home. He has reserved the u-hall and everything. According to him he wants to come home to attend a job fair and be here for our daughters birthday which happens to be in a week and a half. WTH!!! When he visited before (2xs) he flew. I'm not stupid. You don't drive across country with a uhall to attend a flippin job fair!!! Man! He reminds me of my 6 year old testing me if today to see if the same rules apply as they were yesterday! anyway...About 3 months ago we tried to plan for his return. In that planning I quickly found major clues that he was not stable, so I postponed.
Now, regarding this trip he said he is driving, so duh, that tells me he his intent is to return for good. In November I laid the foundation for what I needed to feel safe in his return, but Boundaries have seemingly been ignored. Time is ticking away from the end of his long term disability, and he was denied Social Security disability pay. There is financial implications if we were to remain separated in the same town. As of today, we are still married--no formal separation agreements have been made. He has been living free with parents while his long term disability covers living expenses here (not quite considering cobra payment, but we manage). He has a reasonable argument that we cannot afford two residences in our town--housing market woes, etc. We are pretty much stuck here in this house if we want to come out of the sale with any sort of money in our pocket. My earning potential as a state employee in social services is a joke... Advise to all daughters, pick a major in college which will allow you to land you a job that will support you and three kids in a major city. Social work is honorable, kiddo, but the pay sucks!
I've changed the rules, and understandably he doesn't get where I'm coming from. No more passive aggressive communication and no more mind reading. I need stability and I want to relate to my husband in a healthy way. I want him healthy and a part of our lives, but I no longer want settle for anything.
Today I told him via email and later on the phone that this is what I need from him if he intends on coming home. I wrote:
XXXX,
I find myself feeling backed in a corner by this coming home. I recognize you need to be here in town for interview purposes. You appear to be bullying me in to a living arrangement I'm not comfortable.
I have considered my options for your return. My first choice would have been for you obtain a steady work record
while working out your the mental health triggers prior to your return, but you would not do that. My second choice would have been for you to stay with
someone in town while you are establishing a track record of trust and movement towards wellness.
I have already said you are asking of me to allow you to be in the home with no proof that you will make it once you start
living and working in the real world. Since I have no basis of evidence that you are indeed stable enough to maintain honest movement towards wellness this
is what I must have beginning the day of your arrival:
- Daily support/12 step meeting attendance-with the exception of Sundays or other family commitments. I will be dropping you off at meetings and picking you up to ensure attendance.
- Appointments scheduled for the following prior to your departure: psychiatrist, Pastor XXXX ,and individual behavioral therapy sessions.
- Being of one accord concerning the children's schedule and discipline. You did a great job during visits, but we must be continue this effort. Any disagreements we have in this manner must not be discussed or negoiated in front of them, ever.
Those are the three for now. My needs are still the same as they were prior to things falling apart after Halloween.
I expect us to discuss more in depth prior to your departure.
I do have a say whether or not you and I live together. The kids and I deserve a safe and secure home. As a mother it is
my responsibility to make good choices to ensure that. As parents we are their role models for life and how to live it. I want them to see that we are
willing to do whatever it takes to make the best of our life in spite of our problems, so they have a good foundation do handle life on their own.
,XXXX
I know this email may sound a little harsh, but inforcing boundaries is always a battle with him. He is a stubborn man and
wants his own way, period (pre and during depression). The part about driving him to meetings was said for my peace of mind not to control or fix. I know
there is a risk he will sit there and count to 100,000 in his head. I can not fool myself that he may drive around for an hour and not go. He does not care
for support groups. There is still much pride left in him. I wrote in another post today that we teach others how to treat us. I do believe that, now more
than ever. If I let go of my needs let him back where he started I feel as though I'm saying, "my feelings don't really matter."
,XXXX
What I do know: I have not have control whether or not accepts his bipolar dx and work with me in a healthy way. I know I will have to plan for what's next in case he can't or won't honor these requests.
I can make it with out him. These last few months have prove that I am strong enough. However, a healthy intact family is my first choice.
Ok, you who have been around the block...any thoughts or experiences or big red flags?




