My SO (56 male) and I (48 female) have been a couple now a little over 1 year although I've known him for over 10 years. For as long as I've know him,
he was always a very happy, social person and he always treated me very caringly and with respect.
About 6 months after we got together, his 90 YO father fell and broke his hip. That was the start. At that point he, his brother (who lives out of state) and I all did whatever we could to get his parents moved into a safer home where they could still be independent. Since then, my SO has been (with my help) their sole caregiver and although they have settled in nicely into thier new home, they are still fairly demanding of his time.
Obviously, this began to really eat into the amount of time we were able to spend with one another but I was patient and understanding and supportive. Back then, when I noticed things like him just shutting down, not calling or returning calls, I chalked it up to the stress he was under (although he will not admit that this is causing him stress).
Since then, his behavior changes has increased and I'm concerned that this could now be something more than just "stress". Lethargy. This is a man who had endless energy. He was on the go all the time. Now, from what I can assertain, he is spending most of his evenings, alone in his apartment basically watching TV.
Procrastination. Realistically, this has never been his strong suit but it has gotten way worse.
Non-Committal. Not in terms of our relationship but about committing to plans and most recently following through on those plans. He has been cancelling plans more and more and lately a couple times just not shown up with no legitimate reason.
Isolation. Recently I began getting calls and emails from his friends wondering what's up with him because they have been trying to contact him and he's not getting back to them. Just last week we got a couple of invitations to parties for a couple of his very, closest friends and when I asked him about it, he said he just didn't feel like going.
Alchohol. He's always enjoyed his cocktails and I can't really say that I've noticed an increase in his usage (but who knows what he is doing when he's home alone). What I have noticed is that when he is drinking, it's not just social. He seems to be on a "mission".
Lack of interest in Sex. Up until recently (around Xmas) we had a very active sex life. The man couldn't get enough. Now I realize that relationships change, especially after the "honeymoon period" is over but to go from that to nothing in the last 6 weeks, isn't normal. And just last night, we made plans to get together later this week and I mentioned about wanting to show him some new, sexy lingerie I had bought and suggested that we could "break it in" he said, "We'll see". Obviously, that hit pretty hard and I repeated it back to him as a question "We'll see?" and he says "I'm just kidding".
What doesn't add up is, when I do talk to him or we are together, we seems perfectly normal. His overall attitude is pretty happy-go-lucky. He's always talking about future plans for us together, although I always have to push him out of procrastination to make them happen.
If it was just his behavior towards me that had changed, I would be thinking, the relationship has just run it's course and he's not quite ready to end it. Although he keeps making off the cuff comments about marriage, living together etc and tells me frequently that I'm the "love of his life". I can also, having been through similar recently with my own parents, understand that with the time end energy he is spending with his, is going to affect our relationship.
However, I think the change in behavior with his friends is my biggest cause for concern especially since just last weekend he made a comment about him "having no friends" when I do darn well his friends are trying to be there for him.
To be honest, this whole idea actually came from a friend of mine, who himself, has been suffering from depression for many years. I was talking with him and his wife about my concerns and frustrations with his changes in behavior and my friend immediately said that it sounds like depression. I have no experience with depression but I figure "it takes one to know one."
About 6 months after we got together, his 90 YO father fell and broke his hip. That was the start. At that point he, his brother (who lives out of state) and I all did whatever we could to get his parents moved into a safer home where they could still be independent. Since then, my SO has been (with my help) their sole caregiver and although they have settled in nicely into thier new home, they are still fairly demanding of his time.
Obviously, this began to really eat into the amount of time we were able to spend with one another but I was patient and understanding and supportive. Back then, when I noticed things like him just shutting down, not calling or returning calls, I chalked it up to the stress he was under (although he will not admit that this is causing him stress).
Since then, his behavior changes has increased and I'm concerned that this could now be something more than just "stress". Lethargy. This is a man who had endless energy. He was on the go all the time. Now, from what I can assertain, he is spending most of his evenings, alone in his apartment basically watching TV.
Procrastination. Realistically, this has never been his strong suit but it has gotten way worse.
Non-Committal. Not in terms of our relationship but about committing to plans and most recently following through on those plans. He has been cancelling plans more and more and lately a couple times just not shown up with no legitimate reason.
Isolation. Recently I began getting calls and emails from his friends wondering what's up with him because they have been trying to contact him and he's not getting back to them. Just last week we got a couple of invitations to parties for a couple of his very, closest friends and when I asked him about it, he said he just didn't feel like going.
Alchohol. He's always enjoyed his cocktails and I can't really say that I've noticed an increase in his usage (but who knows what he is doing when he's home alone). What I have noticed is that when he is drinking, it's not just social. He seems to be on a "mission".
Lack of interest in Sex. Up until recently (around Xmas) we had a very active sex life. The man couldn't get enough. Now I realize that relationships change, especially after the "honeymoon period" is over but to go from that to nothing in the last 6 weeks, isn't normal. And just last night, we made plans to get together later this week and I mentioned about wanting to show him some new, sexy lingerie I had bought and suggested that we could "break it in" he said, "We'll see". Obviously, that hit pretty hard and I repeated it back to him as a question "We'll see?" and he says "I'm just kidding".
What doesn't add up is, when I do talk to him or we are together, we seems perfectly normal. His overall attitude is pretty happy-go-lucky. He's always talking about future plans for us together, although I always have to push him out of procrastination to make them happen.
If it was just his behavior towards me that had changed, I would be thinking, the relationship has just run it's course and he's not quite ready to end it. Although he keeps making off the cuff comments about marriage, living together etc and tells me frequently that I'm the "love of his life". I can also, having been through similar recently with my own parents, understand that with the time end energy he is spending with his, is going to affect our relationship.
However, I think the change in behavior with his friends is my biggest cause for concern especially since just last weekend he made a comment about him "having no friends" when I do darn well his friends are trying to be there for him.
To be honest, this whole idea actually came from a friend of mine, who himself, has been suffering from depression for many years. I was talking with him and his wife about my concerns and frustrations with his changes in behavior and my friend immediately said that it sounds like depression. I have no experience with depression but I figure "it takes one to know one."




