Thank you to everyone on this forum because for the first time since breaking up- I see other people in the similar situations, that most people have never
heard of and just consider strange. I've been in counseling since the breakup- and no one can help me to understand my xbf's behavior and what
happened. For the last few months I've been trying to focus on me. But like others, I find it so hard not to worry about him, I spent the first month-
worrying about him and just wanting him to be okay since I knew "something" happened. Is it D or did he become a jerk overnight? Did he show his
"true colors" that he for 3 years? Was this amazing guy I was dating really capable of such hateful behavior towards me?
The story: I started dating him right before the end of grad school. We had been friends for over a year prior, and when we ended up together, it was such the right fit- that I felt so lucky... a guy who was my best friend, ended up as my boyfriend. We moved to a new city together and things were great. We went through all sorts of life situations together, and even if they felt bad at the time, we got through them together and I think we both felt lucky that we were so strong. I never noticed depression- as being a problem for him, sure, we all get down, or- tough on ourselves... but I never saw him as having d. A year ago he got a job in a city 9 hours away which was a great accomplishment for him and a hope for a better life than what we had been living! We made long distance work for a year, and for the last six -eight months we had a pretty successful long distance relationship- never going more than 2-3 weeks without spending a week together, (we're musicians, it worked out)... He was overly attentive with phone calls, emails... I felt so loved, and secure, and sure- he showed selfish behavior at times, things like overly indulging on drinking has been an issue- but when I was around it wasn't an issue…
Suddenly on Valentine's Day... two days after my birthday, he told me he was crying himself to sleep because he wasn't sure if he could do this anymore. I had spent two weeks with him a week prior and we had even looked into my moving into his town at that time, doing a little research into the logistics. He said he couldn't talk to me but would call in the middle of the night just needing to hear my voice, and would tell me he loved me during this first week. Then because he said he couldn't focus at work, he needed to not talk to me at all for the second week. I wanted to respect him, even though I wanted to drive to see him and make sure he was okay- because he told me he wasn't sleeping, he was so tired that he wanted to sleep for days, he felt like a failure in his job- he didn't want to go to work, he wasn't eating, etc.... pretty much every sign of depression. However, he pushed me away and didn't want me to talk to him.
How things proceeded was incredibly heartbreaking.
He called me a week after the silence saying he made a decision, and is doing what's best or him- that he has to be single and alone- and.... that was it. He wasn't willing to hear what I said or see me- and he was done. I asked him to speak with me again after a few hard weeks of work I knew he'd have… but he didn't contact me for about a month, and only after I continuously emailed and phoned telling him I needed closure.
3 years of a man I was sure I had a future with, who I loved with all my heart, and thought was great for me and vice versa. Someone who never hurt me- never made me feel insecure... changed almost overnight.... this was someone I lived with, with whom I had such an incredibly close connection with and I was his only support network... He told me there was no one he could talk to about how he felt... I didn't know how to get him help, because he didn't want me to tell people. I asked his friends to call him, but he wouldn't open up to anyone, and I know you can't force someone to get help.
Six weeks/two months into the breakup we had an event we both attended- which forced him to see me for 4 days straight and it was good to see each other face to face, after he broke up with me by telephone. We made the time to sit and talk for an hour and a half and he told me he still stands by his decision, and that he doesn't know if he can ever love again. The conversation was good, I saw glimpses of the old him, and I pitied him for saying he can't love and that his heart feels nothing. I could tell- he had done things to try to change his life... (new clothes, claiming he was a new person, and that he was closer to people in his town than ever before). However, he said- that he lacks motivation, wasn't doing anything except bare minimal to survive and do his job, and he was living one day at a time... His "life changing truths" that he declared to me and his blaming me for my effect on his job were so easily contradicted when he was talking to me in person, that I felt it showed me he was trying harder to "say" things and have those things be truths than knowing what reality is. (The reality is he still doesn't want to date me again, and he broke my heart… right?)
There's so much more I could say- but, I don't want to go on forever. (I already have! ☺) It's hard- b/c part of me reads these messages boards- and see and hear things- that are so painfully familiar regarding someone who could seemingly change overnight- and the cruel behavior, and cruel lack of caring and love- seems only explainable because of d. He acknowledges he was really depressed, when he broke it off with me, but he seems to feel this power from having ended our relationship and therefore have a new control over his life. I think he knows he's avoided "dealing/understanding" the breakup and how he's acted, but I think the breakup gave him a "cover" for his d. His colleagues will think he's sad over a breakup and not dealing with D.
I've told him that I can't be friends (ie: exchanging emails about normal life,) until he deals with some of the questions I've asked him regarding the breakup, how badly he treated me, respect I need as a friend. I know he could avoid it forever, and I may never hear from him again. Certainly no one in "his world" will hold him accountable or how he's treated me. Our mutual friends etc, are more present in my world, so I'm faced with daily reminders of our former life. I can hope other friends would tell him to "get help" but clearly nothing I say does anything or has any impact.
I know I have to take care of me- and move on with my life, and I think I'm doing everything I can to try and do so. I feel like my need to understand something I can't understand is what has left me so sad about this. I lost the love of my life... I never thought someone who loved me so much could treat me this badly and heartlessly. I also can't stop hoping that the guy I loved is still out there and will come back- The hope that he'll see what he lost and wonder what he did. However, for someone with depression who is not getting help, not talking about it- and thinks they can strong-arm it into submission... do they ever come back to you?
I just want to thank you contributors... after reading Anne's book, I came to this forum maybe a month later- and it really helps quiet an anxious place in my heart.
The story: I started dating him right before the end of grad school. We had been friends for over a year prior, and when we ended up together, it was such the right fit- that I felt so lucky... a guy who was my best friend, ended up as my boyfriend. We moved to a new city together and things were great. We went through all sorts of life situations together, and even if they felt bad at the time, we got through them together and I think we both felt lucky that we were so strong. I never noticed depression- as being a problem for him, sure, we all get down, or- tough on ourselves... but I never saw him as having d. A year ago he got a job in a city 9 hours away which was a great accomplishment for him and a hope for a better life than what we had been living! We made long distance work for a year, and for the last six -eight months we had a pretty successful long distance relationship- never going more than 2-3 weeks without spending a week together, (we're musicians, it worked out)... He was overly attentive with phone calls, emails... I felt so loved, and secure, and sure- he showed selfish behavior at times, things like overly indulging on drinking has been an issue- but when I was around it wasn't an issue…
Suddenly on Valentine's Day... two days after my birthday, he told me he was crying himself to sleep because he wasn't sure if he could do this anymore. I had spent two weeks with him a week prior and we had even looked into my moving into his town at that time, doing a little research into the logistics. He said he couldn't talk to me but would call in the middle of the night just needing to hear my voice, and would tell me he loved me during this first week. Then because he said he couldn't focus at work, he needed to not talk to me at all for the second week. I wanted to respect him, even though I wanted to drive to see him and make sure he was okay- because he told me he wasn't sleeping, he was so tired that he wanted to sleep for days, he felt like a failure in his job- he didn't want to go to work, he wasn't eating, etc.... pretty much every sign of depression. However, he pushed me away and didn't want me to talk to him.
How things proceeded was incredibly heartbreaking.
He called me a week after the silence saying he made a decision, and is doing what's best or him- that he has to be single and alone- and.... that was it. He wasn't willing to hear what I said or see me- and he was done. I asked him to speak with me again after a few hard weeks of work I knew he'd have… but he didn't contact me for about a month, and only after I continuously emailed and phoned telling him I needed closure.
3 years of a man I was sure I had a future with, who I loved with all my heart, and thought was great for me and vice versa. Someone who never hurt me- never made me feel insecure... changed almost overnight.... this was someone I lived with, with whom I had such an incredibly close connection with and I was his only support network... He told me there was no one he could talk to about how he felt... I didn't know how to get him help, because he didn't want me to tell people. I asked his friends to call him, but he wouldn't open up to anyone, and I know you can't force someone to get help.
Six weeks/two months into the breakup we had an event we both attended- which forced him to see me for 4 days straight and it was good to see each other face to face, after he broke up with me by telephone. We made the time to sit and talk for an hour and a half and he told me he still stands by his decision, and that he doesn't know if he can ever love again. The conversation was good, I saw glimpses of the old him, and I pitied him for saying he can't love and that his heart feels nothing. I could tell- he had done things to try to change his life... (new clothes, claiming he was a new person, and that he was closer to people in his town than ever before). However, he said- that he lacks motivation, wasn't doing anything except bare minimal to survive and do his job, and he was living one day at a time... His "life changing truths" that he declared to me and his blaming me for my effect on his job were so easily contradicted when he was talking to me in person, that I felt it showed me he was trying harder to "say" things and have those things be truths than knowing what reality is. (The reality is he still doesn't want to date me again, and he broke my heart… right?)
There's so much more I could say- but, I don't want to go on forever. (I already have! ☺) It's hard- b/c part of me reads these messages boards- and see and hear things- that are so painfully familiar regarding someone who could seemingly change overnight- and the cruel behavior, and cruel lack of caring and love- seems only explainable because of d. He acknowledges he was really depressed, when he broke it off with me, but he seems to feel this power from having ended our relationship and therefore have a new control over his life. I think he knows he's avoided "dealing/understanding" the breakup and how he's acted, but I think the breakup gave him a "cover" for his d. His colleagues will think he's sad over a breakup and not dealing with D.
I've told him that I can't be friends (ie: exchanging emails about normal life,) until he deals with some of the questions I've asked him regarding the breakup, how badly he treated me, respect I need as a friend. I know he could avoid it forever, and I may never hear from him again. Certainly no one in "his world" will hold him accountable or how he's treated me. Our mutual friends etc, are more present in my world, so I'm faced with daily reminders of our former life. I can hope other friends would tell him to "get help" but clearly nothing I say does anything or has any impact.
I know I have to take care of me- and move on with my life, and I think I'm doing everything I can to try and do so. I feel like my need to understand something I can't understand is what has left me so sad about this. I lost the love of my life... I never thought someone who loved me so much could treat me this badly and heartlessly. I also can't stop hoping that the guy I loved is still out there and will come back- The hope that he'll see what he lost and wonder what he did. However, for someone with depression who is not getting help, not talking about it- and thinks they can strong-arm it into submission... do they ever come back to you?
I just want to thank you contributors... after reading Anne's book, I came to this forum maybe a month later- and it really helps quiet an anxious place in my heart.




