Hi Anne,
first I'll start out by posting again my intro.
Hi everyone,
Not sure how I stumbled across this board but I'm glad that I did. I grew up with a depressive mother my entire life. In fact, before I was even born, she had told my aunt she wasn't sure how she would be able to care for me. My father was not affectionate towards me, and at the time I did not get along with my controlling grandmother, so my mom was all I had. I was an only child and all of my other grandparents were dead. I had no cousins nearby as they moved across the country. Anyway, she fed me, gave me clothes, etc.....but was pretty much absent emotionally. I never got a lot of reassurance, advice, direction, even interest for the most part. I remember sitting in my room crying for one reason or another, just wishing she would come upstairs and ask me why I was upset. Crying hysterically, thinking surely she will notice. She would ignore me until I asked her, aren't you going to ask me why I'm upset? It was so frustrating. It's like I had to tell her how to be a parent. I honestly don't think she even wanted me, although she would deny that. I had to force her to be interested in me, right up through college, when I would be on the phone reminding her it was my birthday, crying in the hallway.
Now, I'm in my 30's, with a child of my own, and I am still struggling with her. For the most part, I just avoid her entirely, as interaction with her only leads to an argument. She refuses treatment and hasn't seen even a regular doctor in probably 10 years. Dentist, she will see, as she is somewhat vain and doesn't want her teeth affected, but doctor, no. I have struggled with low self esteem for years, always hated my appearance, have had depression and anxiety issues for years myself, and wonder how much of this relates to the mothering I had growing up. She never offers advice, never asks me how I am doing, never shows any interest in me or my son. It hurts. When I needed her to babysit, I would have to practically beg, and it would take 10 minutes to get a maybe out of her. I hated relying on her for anything. My son is older now so I don't have to ask her for help, thank goodness, as she was quite obvioulsy not interested in watching him. She refuses to help anyone with anything, and if she does, it is with great effort. On top of that, as time goes by, she has become more and more angry, becoming irriated at the smallest things, sometimes for no obvious reason. There are days I will speak to her and she will ignore me or glare at me. There are other days when she is somewhat pleasant, but for the most part, you never really know what will set her off. She just seems so full of hate and anger, which is not something I experienced with her when I was younger. It makes me wonder if it's more now than just depression.
Needless to say, we have very little in terms of a relationship. She never accepts responsiblity for the way she treats others. She blames everyone else but herself. When I call her out on her behavior, she says you're always upset with me, why are you always picking on me, leave me alone. She is always the victim.
Mother's Day is always hard for me because there are no cards in the store that describe her. They always talk about how caring you are mother, how loving, how you are always there for me, how much you mean to me, etc.... I usually end up buying a blank card and writing in Happy Mother's Day.
So anyways that is my story. I can't help her, and I've accepted that finally. For many years, I tried to get her help or at least get her to realize she needed help. I felt responsible for her. When I lived at home, she wouldn't eat unless I cooked for her, knowing full well I had a full plate of my own, working and going to school. She is so very happy to have others wait on her, but so unwilling to do anything for anyone.
Now I'm just trying to tolerate her and deal with the guilt I feel over my lack of affection towards her.
Sorry so long. I didn't get any replies to this so thought I'd try here. I did read Sorrow's Web, which I found fascinating. I understand depression, am sympathetic towards it (suffer myself to a lesser degree than my mother, mainly because of my meds probably), and know it's not always easy to recover from. I am having so much anger towards my mother, for not ever seeking help, for not accepting she has a problem, for making no effort to be a better mother to me over the years. This anger of course makes me feel guilty, as she's my mother, and I'm not supposed to be so upset with her. I should just accept her for who she is. I guess if she actually tried to get better, then I could respect that, and accept her faults and all, but the fact that she just either gave up or doesn't think she has a problem is what bothers me. We have almost no relationship, as I cannot accept her lack of empathy or interest in me anymore. She sees me as angry and doesn't understand why I get upset with her. So we rarely talk. She always blames everyone else for being upset with her, but rarely apologizes for anything. Half the time she's angry about one sillly thing or another and completely unapproachable.
I'm nearing 40, a mother myself, and couldn't dream of showing such little interest in my son as she does with me. She of course has very little relationship with him as well, and blames him for it. I told her it's not his fault, she never showed any true interest in him, what did she expect would happen?
I still suffer from low self esteem, absolutely hate my appearance most of the time (which I know is not normal), and have had anxiety issues over the years. I recently mentioned to her that I usually feel so ugly, and she said, yeah, you always did say that about yourself. But didn't try to reassure me that I'm NOT ugly or anything. I guess when your mom doesn't tell you that you are pretty growing up it does affect you later in life.
I know she will never be the support I so desperately needed, and maybe still need today. She just doesn't have it in her. She's like a shell of a person. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should give up completely on this relationship, which I have already done for the most part, or make an effort, which almost always ends up in hurt feelings, anger and disappointment. How do I accept the fact that she will never be the mother I need her to be without feeling so angry at her? Especially when she can't even admit she has a problem or get help?
first I'll start out by posting again my intro.
Hi everyone,
Not sure how I stumbled across this board but I'm glad that I did. I grew up with a depressive mother my entire life. In fact, before I was even born, she had told my aunt she wasn't sure how she would be able to care for me. My father was not affectionate towards me, and at the time I did not get along with my controlling grandmother, so my mom was all I had. I was an only child and all of my other grandparents were dead. I had no cousins nearby as they moved across the country. Anyway, she fed me, gave me clothes, etc.....but was pretty much absent emotionally. I never got a lot of reassurance, advice, direction, even interest for the most part. I remember sitting in my room crying for one reason or another, just wishing she would come upstairs and ask me why I was upset. Crying hysterically, thinking surely she will notice. She would ignore me until I asked her, aren't you going to ask me why I'm upset? It was so frustrating. It's like I had to tell her how to be a parent. I honestly don't think she even wanted me, although she would deny that. I had to force her to be interested in me, right up through college, when I would be on the phone reminding her it was my birthday, crying in the hallway.
Now, I'm in my 30's, with a child of my own, and I am still struggling with her. For the most part, I just avoid her entirely, as interaction with her only leads to an argument. She refuses treatment and hasn't seen even a regular doctor in probably 10 years. Dentist, she will see, as she is somewhat vain and doesn't want her teeth affected, but doctor, no. I have struggled with low self esteem for years, always hated my appearance, have had depression and anxiety issues for years myself, and wonder how much of this relates to the mothering I had growing up. She never offers advice, never asks me how I am doing, never shows any interest in me or my son. It hurts. When I needed her to babysit, I would have to practically beg, and it would take 10 minutes to get a maybe out of her. I hated relying on her for anything. My son is older now so I don't have to ask her for help, thank goodness, as she was quite obvioulsy not interested in watching him. She refuses to help anyone with anything, and if she does, it is with great effort. On top of that, as time goes by, she has become more and more angry, becoming irriated at the smallest things, sometimes for no obvious reason. There are days I will speak to her and she will ignore me or glare at me. There are other days when she is somewhat pleasant, but for the most part, you never really know what will set her off. She just seems so full of hate and anger, which is not something I experienced with her when I was younger. It makes me wonder if it's more now than just depression.
Needless to say, we have very little in terms of a relationship. She never accepts responsiblity for the way she treats others. She blames everyone else but herself. When I call her out on her behavior, she says you're always upset with me, why are you always picking on me, leave me alone. She is always the victim.
Mother's Day is always hard for me because there are no cards in the store that describe her. They always talk about how caring you are mother, how loving, how you are always there for me, how much you mean to me, etc.... I usually end up buying a blank card and writing in Happy Mother's Day.
So anyways that is my story. I can't help her, and I've accepted that finally. For many years, I tried to get her help or at least get her to realize she needed help. I felt responsible for her. When I lived at home, she wouldn't eat unless I cooked for her, knowing full well I had a full plate of my own, working and going to school. She is so very happy to have others wait on her, but so unwilling to do anything for anyone.
Now I'm just trying to tolerate her and deal with the guilt I feel over my lack of affection towards her.
Sorry so long. I didn't get any replies to this so thought I'd try here. I did read Sorrow's Web, which I found fascinating. I understand depression, am sympathetic towards it (suffer myself to a lesser degree than my mother, mainly because of my meds probably), and know it's not always easy to recover from. I am having so much anger towards my mother, for not ever seeking help, for not accepting she has a problem, for making no effort to be a better mother to me over the years. This anger of course makes me feel guilty, as she's my mother, and I'm not supposed to be so upset with her. I should just accept her for who she is. I guess if she actually tried to get better, then I could respect that, and accept her faults and all, but the fact that she just either gave up or doesn't think she has a problem is what bothers me. We have almost no relationship, as I cannot accept her lack of empathy or interest in me anymore. She sees me as angry and doesn't understand why I get upset with her. So we rarely talk. She always blames everyone else for being upset with her, but rarely apologizes for anything. Half the time she's angry about one sillly thing or another and completely unapproachable.
I'm nearing 40, a mother myself, and couldn't dream of showing such little interest in my son as she does with me. She of course has very little relationship with him as well, and blames him for it. I told her it's not his fault, she never showed any true interest in him, what did she expect would happen?
I still suffer from low self esteem, absolutely hate my appearance most of the time (which I know is not normal), and have had anxiety issues over the years. I recently mentioned to her that I usually feel so ugly, and she said, yeah, you always did say that about yourself. But didn't try to reassure me that I'm NOT ugly or anything. I guess when your mom doesn't tell you that you are pretty growing up it does affect you later in life.
I know she will never be the support I so desperately needed, and maybe still need today. She just doesn't have it in her. She's like a shell of a person. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should give up completely on this relationship, which I have already done for the most part, or make an effort, which almost always ends up in hurt feelings, anger and disappointment. How do I accept the fact that she will never be the mother I need her to be without feeling so angry at her? Especially when she can't even admit she has a problem or get help?




