Well Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is coming. God I hate the holidays. We have to make sure we see everyone, drive all over and basically get up sent over it all. She can't wait to see her family, but someone always hurts her feelings, or does something wrong just to upset her. Then there is my family, so backwards, so out of touch with reality, so much to complain about after we visit them. I am ready to declare a holiday from holidays.
W has suffered from D for years. She will do fine for a while then decide she does not need the drugs anymore. She will stop cold turkey and not tell anyone what she has done. Things rock along for a few weeks then the major crash hits. I get to pick up the pieces and try to patch her back together. She did this before our daughter's wedding. I guess she wanted to experience it with out the help of drugs. She crashed and burned the night after the wedding, what a mess. If she is down, I can hold her and let her cry. If she is not down, I am not allowed to touch her at all. I can kiss her goodnight, but don't touch her. A pat on the shoulder is OK some days, bad others. Anything more than that and I am just trying for SEX, and we don't do that any more. She complains we don't talk, but every night she sits in her chair; gets on Face-book to talk with her friends or watches TV. If I try and talk during this time, I get told she is busy.
So, here is my life: I go to work, come home cook dinner, clean up afterwards, pick up the house, pay the bills, do yard work or laundry. She gets home before me each evening, sits in her chair, watches Oprah or gets on her computer. I can not truely remember the last time she cooked a meal or even made a sandwitch. Its crazy, but I get jealous of her cats. She will touch them, pet them, love on them; yet I can't even sit by her on the couch. She leaned over to kiss me good night one evening and the back of my hand touched her on the chest and she got very angry. Funny thing was, I was reading a book, when she leaned over to kiss me she leaned into my hand. I was holding the book, not attempting to grope her, but I caught hell for it. Did not bother to explain it to her, just do my best to let the moment pass. I've learned after many years not to argue with the Depression, I can't win or even make a minor point. Yet when she goes off on one of her depression funks I am suppose to be her anchor and help her back to normal. Her Doctor said she might suffer from Manic Depression the last time she went off her meds, but did not change her meds, just renewed her RX.
Why am I posting on this website? I really don't know. I guess I am grasping at straws trying to find a way out. Divorce is a hard option. Walking away from it all really sounds nice some days. The kids are grown and living on their own. Maybe it would not be as bad as it seems. I spend all Thanksgiving waiting for the explosion, dreading it, yet knowing it would hit at some point. Made it through her side of the family, then just as we got to my parents house it hit. God I hate the holiday season.
W has suffered from D for years. She will do fine for a while then decide she does not need the drugs anymore. She will stop cold turkey and not tell anyone what she has done. Things rock along for a few weeks then the major crash hits. I get to pick up the pieces and try to patch her back together. She did this before our daughter's wedding. I guess she wanted to experience it with out the help of drugs. She crashed and burned the night after the wedding, what a mess. If she is down, I can hold her and let her cry. If she is not down, I am not allowed to touch her at all. I can kiss her goodnight, but don't touch her. A pat on the shoulder is OK some days, bad others. Anything more than that and I am just trying for SEX, and we don't do that any more. She complains we don't talk, but every night she sits in her chair; gets on Face-book to talk with her friends or watches TV. If I try and talk during this time, I get told she is busy.
So, here is my life: I go to work, come home cook dinner, clean up afterwards, pick up the house, pay the bills, do yard work or laundry. She gets home before me each evening, sits in her chair, watches Oprah or gets on her computer. I can not truely remember the last time she cooked a meal or even made a sandwitch. Its crazy, but I get jealous of her cats. She will touch them, pet them, love on them; yet I can't even sit by her on the couch. She leaned over to kiss me good night one evening and the back of my hand touched her on the chest and she got very angry. Funny thing was, I was reading a book, when she leaned over to kiss me she leaned into my hand. I was holding the book, not attempting to grope her, but I caught hell for it. Did not bother to explain it to her, just do my best to let the moment pass. I've learned after many years not to argue with the Depression, I can't win or even make a minor point. Yet when she goes off on one of her depression funks I am suppose to be her anchor and help her back to normal. Her Doctor said she might suffer from Manic Depression the last time she went off her meds, but did not change her meds, just renewed her RX.
Why am I posting on this website? I really don't know. I guess I am grasping at straws trying to find a way out. Divorce is a hard option. Walking away from it all really sounds nice some days. The kids are grown and living on their own. Maybe it would not be as bad as it seems. I spend all Thanksgiving waiting for the explosion, dreading it, yet knowing it would hit at some point. Made it through her side of the family, then just as we got to my parents house it hit. God I hate the holiday season.




