Hi Guys,
Hope all are as well as possible
Last Sunday night, after what seemed to be absolutely he would never talk to me again, my exDBF picked up the phone.
We spent 20 minutes having the usual argument which destroyed our relationship - which is based on NOTHING - it consists of whether or not we will agree to have a conversation. Two idiot savants - I tell you. It took me months to realize that we were arguing about nothing.
Finally, we got to talking and had a lovely time. He said the door is open.
We had some e-mail exchanges after that.
The last was on Tuesday, when I wished him a good trip to see his family. He wrote back, "Thanks
"
My overwhelming feeling is that I am exhausted! I love our rapport, but to communicate with him seems so onerous - with things being taken negatively. It seems now that we've had all that unnecessary conflict, the deck is stacked more so from him toward my communications with him, and I am tired of having to cut through all that negative to get to the rapport. Previously, I kept seeing the love, and making the effort. Now I'm tired before even reaching out!
I feel like - if you want me in your life, you come to me! I'm tired of being the one who has to come to you! You should be able to see my value, and step forward - just as you used to. But he's depressive, right? He said that he felt I was a fire hose - man, I tell you I was banging that door down (but I sure ain't now). He also surprisingly admitted to himself, "I know nothing", bc he really thought it was impossible for us to interact with the joy we both enjoy when we interact together, and the best course of action was to cut me out completely. I said, "Yea, I don't know anything either", then he was silent. I said, "Yes, it's true, I do know _some_ things", because the truth is, I know we have a tremendous, rare rapport; the kind that people dream about finding (yes, minus depression).
Given his history with me to get anxious about our relationship when we are _not_ communicating, I wonder what's going on in that head of his. I know if I put any pressure on him, he pushes me away, largely via retreating. I wonder what he's thinking now that I've removed ALL pressure.
At the same time, I know he isolates himself, and I know the way his family approaches him - a little hello every so often, to remind him that people care and miss him. I know I have to accept the way he is as fact, including his negativistic thinking, and accept that the shape of the relationship will be formed accordingly (sure, I'd love it if we were primary relationship again, and for the rest of our lives, but I don't know whether that's possible).
At the same time, I think - it's not as joyous to communicate with him about things when I have to cut through all that negative wall. Who wants to write him an e-mail, when what I say can be taken negatively? Why not just speak with someone else about my interests? Sure, they don't see the whole as my exDBF does, but at least I can get through and have a conversation on the topic without having to cut through a bunch of sludge first! It's _nice_ to connect with people, without there being a fight about whether we are going to connect...hmmm...that sounds suspiciously like the same fight about NOTHING that we were having...
All that work to get through and then? I don't know whether I will extend my hand out again if I don't hear from him. Because my body (who I listen to, above all) tells me, "I'm tired!!!!"
The best news, of course, is that I have been sleeping for the first time in months. I guess what I really wanted is for our relationship to end in truth - that we get along brilliantly - not in the lie of being cut off.
Unbelievable. What a lot of work that has been - to understand what is going on, what went wrong in our communication, getting the wall down. Wishing that I will hear from him still, but being able to accept what would be an awful loss if not.
Hmmm...
Best wishes,
Hope all are as well as possible
Last Sunday night, after what seemed to be absolutely he would never talk to me again, my exDBF picked up the phone.
We spent 20 minutes having the usual argument which destroyed our relationship - which is based on NOTHING - it consists of whether or not we will agree to have a conversation. Two idiot savants - I tell you. It took me months to realize that we were arguing about nothing.
Finally, we got to talking and had a lovely time. He said the door is open.
We had some e-mail exchanges after that.
The last was on Tuesday, when I wished him a good trip to see his family. He wrote back, "Thanks
My overwhelming feeling is that I am exhausted! I love our rapport, but to communicate with him seems so onerous - with things being taken negatively. It seems now that we've had all that unnecessary conflict, the deck is stacked more so from him toward my communications with him, and I am tired of having to cut through all that negative to get to the rapport. Previously, I kept seeing the love, and making the effort. Now I'm tired before even reaching out!
I feel like - if you want me in your life, you come to me! I'm tired of being the one who has to come to you! You should be able to see my value, and step forward - just as you used to. But he's depressive, right? He said that he felt I was a fire hose - man, I tell you I was banging that door down (but I sure ain't now). He also surprisingly admitted to himself, "I know nothing", bc he really thought it was impossible for us to interact with the joy we both enjoy when we interact together, and the best course of action was to cut me out completely. I said, "Yea, I don't know anything either", then he was silent. I said, "Yes, it's true, I do know _some_ things", because the truth is, I know we have a tremendous, rare rapport; the kind that people dream about finding (yes, minus depression).
Given his history with me to get anxious about our relationship when we are _not_ communicating, I wonder what's going on in that head of his. I know if I put any pressure on him, he pushes me away, largely via retreating. I wonder what he's thinking now that I've removed ALL pressure.
At the same time, I know he isolates himself, and I know the way his family approaches him - a little hello every so often, to remind him that people care and miss him. I know I have to accept the way he is as fact, including his negativistic thinking, and accept that the shape of the relationship will be formed accordingly (sure, I'd love it if we were primary relationship again, and for the rest of our lives, but I don't know whether that's possible).
At the same time, I think - it's not as joyous to communicate with him about things when I have to cut through all that negative wall. Who wants to write him an e-mail, when what I say can be taken negatively? Why not just speak with someone else about my interests? Sure, they don't see the whole as my exDBF does, but at least I can get through and have a conversation on the topic without having to cut through a bunch of sludge first! It's _nice_ to connect with people, without there being a fight about whether we are going to connect...hmmm...that sounds suspiciously like the same fight about NOTHING that we were having...
All that work to get through and then? I don't know whether I will extend my hand out again if I don't hear from him. Because my body (who I listen to, above all) tells me, "I'm tired!!!!"
The best news, of course, is that I have been sleeping for the first time in months. I guess what I really wanted is for our relationship to end in truth - that we get along brilliantly - not in the lie of being cut off.
Unbelievable. What a lot of work that has been - to understand what is going on, what went wrong in our communication, getting the wall down. Wishing that I will hear from him still, but being able to accept what would be an awful loss if not.
Hmmm...
Best wishes,




