My husband and I have been married 10 years, together nearly 15, have two children, and live overseas. 7 years ago, he had sex with a prostitute while on a business trip - the circumstances of which were very odd- it was a bad situation. He has been depressed on and off through our entire relationship, once landing in the hospital for suicidal ideation after the prostitute incident.
He's down again, and has been for several months. About a month ago, he exchanged numbers
with a young waitress and had a very brief text message sort of relationship
with her. I caught it so quickly,
I was suspicious within days. He
was away on a business trip when I found proof, he had opened a new email acct.
to maintain contact with her while he was away, I was able to get into the
acct. and found an email from her - less than 24 hrs after he opened the
acct. We have been so up and down
the last few weeks. I spotted a large sum of money in his bag and after a lot
of prodding- he admitted he had thought of trying to meet up with her and go to
a hotel (this was all before he went on his business trip- not sure why he was
still holding on to the cash). He
claims he never saw her outside of their initial meeting and that he never met
up with her. I found out about it
one week after he met her, cell phone records prove it. He says he's stopped communicating with
her (don't have that phone bill yet), that he is sorry and can't explain what
is going on with him. He also said
he feels like he has hit "rock bottom" in terms of his depression,
felt like he was drowning and grabbed on to anything that might help. As far as I know, this is the only
relationship he has had with another woman. I’ve asked him to start sleeping in the guest room. I feel like an idiot for staying with him, he didn't do anything physical, this time, but how many more could there be?
Of course, there is more - years of disappointments, trials and tribulations, he regularly does something hurtful, about once every six months or so whether depressed or not.
Living overseas with two young children makes things more complicated since I will not take them away from him, he is so important in their lives. I just feel like I can't invest in my marriage again, I can't put my heart out there anymore for him to rip out and stomp on whenever he's feeling down.
He has seen a psychologist twice. Today he texted me after his session and said “feeling hopeful.” He says he wants to get better and that he wants me and our family together, he was literally begging me, crying, trying to hold me and just kept saying how sorry he is.
I love him dearly, he is a great dad, he is a hard worker and is very busy and successful in his job, and we have such a long history together. We do have great times together. We have regular date nights and an active sex life. The good times feel amazing. When he's down, it feels like my world is crashing down around me, I'm just not sure I can be on the rollercoaster anymore, I feel very confused. I don’t know if we should work on trying to move back to the USA next summer or not- if I should keep trying or cut my losses. I don’t know if I have the strength to leave him.
I can't seem to find much about depression and infidelity. I’m about halfway through Anne’s book, which is sometimes hard to read objectively since I’m so angry with him right now. I'm having a hard time trying to be sympathetic and supportive of him getting better in his depression when he's been cheating- or at least plotting to.
Any suggestions and ideas are greatly appreciated!
Jenn




