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Posts: 2585
Aug 13 11 7:58 PM
I note that after ~2 years of using a phone with a keyboard, and telling me she can't figure out how to type on it, when I am simply not answering her phone calls, she has suddenly magically acquired the ability to send texts from her phone
She also sent me a long email starting with "I love you" with rationally constructed sentences and details about what is bothering her. Which makes it very hard to ignore. I am going to call her soon.
To me this sounds like classic BPD abandonment paranoia. Plus projection (she's the one self-admittedly flirting with other men).
I want to tell her that reconciliation is possible but first she needs to work on these issues (we need to work on our separate issues is the polite way to say this) and only after we see sustained and consistent improvement should we try to move forward on any reconciliation plans.
Aug 13 11 8:05 PM
Posts: 505
Aug 13 11 8:58 PM
Aug 14 11 12:32 PM
I definitely feel that I should give it a chance.
Posts: 960
Aug 16 11 3:35 PM
Aug 17 11 2:39 PM
Aug 17 11 4:48 PM
Aug 17 11 8:38 PM
And, y'know. Marsha Linehan just came out as having had BPD.
I'm working hard to observe and record what I observe (because it's really easy to forget things, even things that seem outrageous at the time, in the face of all of the chaff).
Maybe the horse will sing. But I'm not going to let it trample me while it learns.
Posts: 3071
Aug 18 11 7:23 AM
She needs to reconcile to attain her objective - the operation.----- An example based upon how I interpret the majority of situations related to my ownWhen a loved one is booked for an operation we think as they do, fear, fear, fear. When the operation is over this fear loses its purpose.If the ability to fear is lost afterwards, then the buildup to the operation couldn't have happened, which means the the operation shouldn't have happened. Equated, the marriage shouldn't have happened. Equated to blame for the future. Equated to males regressing to the safety of the past, without the present. The fear of the event which could be anything never returns.Here it seems the consequences are the use of the left brain over the right. Loved one have to put into a position where they can be approached. They cannot be avoided as avoidance is right brained. If the ability to fear takes total control beforehand, then the operation is always in the process of happening, which means the operation always needs to happen, despite it having happened. Equated to nothing changes. Equated to blame for the present. Equated to females seeing the future as something they need to attain without the past. The fear of the event, similarly anything, doesn't go away.Here it seems the consequences are the use of the right brain over the left. Loved ones have to be put into a position where they can be avoided. They cannot be approached as approach is left brained. These feelings ebb and flow. They move out, they move back ------ Following this reasoning this is where I see this goingThe fear she has is anticipatory of an outcome that doesn't exist and as such it will never go away. If she attains her objective and the operation goes ahead it can by its very nature never be good enough. The fear always has to be there so she always has to associate it to you to give it substance.It seems the fear of divorce and all the other fears attached to it (which again are anticipatory) have overwritten this fear. If you take it away her original fear will resurface. If you leave it in place she could over the course of several months put her original fear to the back of her thoughts. If you let her down in the future she will bring it up her original fear again, blaming you, without remembering any of her secondary fears.If you move the divorce well into the future (as something that's "going" to happen) it could help her to recover. Though I'm unsure.Your situation is not all that different to mine and it took me a year to overcome it. I mentioned encountering the same anticipatory fear that I was trying to associate with other women. Her talking to other guys would have been an anticipatory defense against the risk of this happening. Her threats of suicide were meant to get me to think as she was thinking and anticipate the consequences of what fear can do to someone. Perhaps.
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