Hello! I have found this site without having read the books, but after reading your comments, I surely will. Just having this forum is a godsend.

I am in my early 50s, married only a few years to a man I had met years ago at school. We had dated, and in the back of my mind I had always thought he was "the one," but we drifted off to other lives, other people, and only found our way back to each other about five years ago. When we reconnected, he was divorced (for 10 years), and I was getting out of a relationship that was going downhill.

The spark re-ignited, we started a business, he proposed, I accepted, joyous wedding, wonderful honeymoon, and then descent into, HUH? It started with the realization that he was always dragging his feet about going out and exploring our new city together. Then I noticed the lack of interest in me, the lack of enthusiasm for me, the lack of desire for me, the lack of expression of affection toward me. Then came financial troubles, and his "forgetting" to tell me about important money matters that "I knew about."

He had mentioned the depression way before we got married; I knew he was on meds. I remember him saying, "yes, I have depression, but fortunately there is a cure, and I'm taking it." I was with him once when he went off the meds for a while, and I do see that they help.

But only so much.

What drives me to this site is the overwhelming sense of loneliness I feel. Yes, I see all the posts about "live your own life" and "don't let his depression be yours" and look, I'm a very independent person and quite capable of enjoying my own company. But. All the time?

I thought partners wanted to discover the world with you, try new things, enjoy each other. If not. Why am I here? I find myself asking myself, "what am I getting out of this?"

I am beginning to think this will never be the loving relationship I need. I have a great deal of compassion for him. He's a very sensitive man, yet very inconsiderate of others. He's famous for being a non-communicator. His family has tried to make me the "family spokeperson," filtering all emails to him through me, but I've gently and firmly insisted that they send communications to him directly, copying me in if they want to.

My situation is compounded by the fact that I have no friends in the area, despite many efforts to meet people.

So I get happiness and community online, and here I am again.

I am wondering if I will ever have happiness in this marriage, or if I am wasting my time. And he has no clue that my unhappiness is about him. He assumes it's all about our money situation.

I don't even know how to talk to him about this, without driving him into a deeper depression. Part of me wants to say, "this is beyond me. I've tried, but I'm not what he needs, and he sure as hell is not meeting my needs."

But, but, but ... a crazy little thing called love, and a bigger one called compassion, keeps me here. For now, anyway. It seems like so many of you have been here. I have to say I envy the ones that have extracted themselves entirely, and I am baffled by those of you who manage to stay happy with a DSO. I need tools.

Last Edited By: xanna Sep 24 11 6:52 AM. Edited 1 time.