My current situation is that my DH is displaying what I think is depression and anxiety and on occasions, self-medicating with alcohol.  He has not been under doctors' care nor receiving support from AA for over a year.  His anxiety is so prevailing, it seems we cannot do anything more challenging than go to dinner together without him getting very stressed.  He is morbidly obese and has health issues related to that as well, such as HBP, joint and circulation issues.   His anxiety usually makes me frustrated or angry and when he drinks, it scares and disappoints me.   His drinking has caused him to have to go to the ER on one occasion.  He has gone voluntarily to rehab on another.  He did take some antidepressants or anti anxiety meds for a while, but stopped taking them long ago.  He does not talk of suicide, but will at times talk about his death as though he feels it is nearer than it should for a middle aged man, and not as though he thinks his death would make me sad.  He doesn't criticize me much (I am more likely to do that to him) but he puts in much less effort overall for our household than I.  Much less. 

Our history goes back about 20 years to when we became friends shortly after college.  We were both dating other people but had a lot in common and spent a lot of time together.  Both of our partners at the time were out of town and we were young professionals in the same city and hung out in the same group.  He realized he had a drinking problem at the time.  One of our mutual friends shared that information with me and explained that DH was drinking non-alcoholic beer that week.   I was pretty sheltered and wasn't exposed to alcoholics, so I didn't just didn't get it. 

He moved out of town for work a while and then returned.  He was on the wagon.  Both our previous relationships had ended, and we decided to start dating and had a fantastic time.  We took trips, went to sporting events, started a business together, and adopted a puppy. 

After a year of being on the wagon, he felt he'd proven that he wasn't addicted to alcohol and started having a glass of wine with dinner at times.  I thought that was great - remember, I was not exposed to alcoholics and didn't know the whole 'one drop is too much' rule.  Our business took on a high pressure out of town project and one glass of wine at dinner turned into a cocktail before dinner and a bottle of wine with dinner.  We ate out almost every night because we were working out of town.   The weight started coming on along with all of the alcohol calories.  The weight caused a flare up of his knee problems from a sports injury, so he didn't exercise, just ate and drank more and gained more weight.  Our once very energetic sex life was pretty much over.   The high pressure job went on for years. During that time, we both lost family members to cancer.   He hardly ever complained about the criticism from the client, the whining from our employees, the backstabbing from our contractors and the long hours and high expectations but he became more and more depressed.  I couldn't see that and I complained about all of those things and criticized him about whatever I saw as his shortcomings.  I wanted change and thought that by talking about it, we'd get change.  Instead, I got more of the same.  More of the lack of action, more of the almost frozen inability to make change, more of the leaving icky situations at work for me to deal with, more of skipping work entirely with a lame excuse, and more of the drinking and weight gain.  We would talk about the health issues and he'd promise me he wanted to get healthier and thanked me for sticking with him and he'd make an effort for a short time and then backslide.  And we argued all the time.  I always felt tired, overwhelmed, taken advantage of, and generally confused at why he wouldn't do what was going to be better for both of us in the long run.

I finally made him move out of our out-of-town apartment and started seeing a counselor and going to AlAnon.  He moved in with a friend and started losing weight and restricting his drinking.  He told me he agreed that he had made mistakes and wanted to apologize to me, to our team at work, and make amends.  Wow, did I want to hear that!  My counselor was encouraged, too.  I'm not sure she was all that sharp about drinking either.   I thought things would be just fine. My AlAnon group was mostly people who practiced acceptance and love, so they were not the type to point out that I should get more than promises from him.   He moved back in with me.  Things went along pretty well.  Still drinking, but not messy.  He started looking at houses to buy, since he felt he was mature enough to handle the loan and the maintenance.  We shopped together, as I figured I would move in with him, and maybe eventually marry him.  We found a house that he couldn't get financing for on his own,  so I cosigned.  Shortly after that, our client cut back on our project and they let him go and kept me.  Huge blow to his ego and some drinking resulted.  However, he managed to pick his bruised ego off the floor and started investing the money we'd made on that project and did extremely well.  My part of the project ended, too, but he could easily support both of us and the new house.   That did wonders for his self esteem. 

He proposed the following Christmas.   He asked that I schedule the wedding far enough out that he could lose weight and he was having fewer episodes of overdoing the drinking.    We had a long engagement I almost left twice before the wedding due to drinking issues, but each time, he had some 'reasonable' explanation and promises never to do it again.  After the second time, he started seeing a weight loss doctor and went on a strict diet and made great progress. He was able to exercise and felt hopeful.  I was looking forward to a great honeymoon. 

The market crashed and we lost a lot and he stopped doing anything fun.  He hardly saw anyone but me, choosing to go off by himself during the day while I was at a new project.  He felt a little better by researching a new opportunity for our business and put a lot of expectations into that.  When it didn't pan out, he really started drinking again and sitting around the house and watching TV all day.  I was able to find work and keep the bills paid, and that made him feel even worse.  He gained back all of the weight he'd lost before our wedding.  I felt used in that I had to go to work while he watched Oprah and CNN and I berated him about getting some kind of job doing anything.  We limped along that way for a year or so until I got another project where I could bring him onboard,  That wasn't perfect; he was still drinking some and still letting me do more than my share of the work and still overweight, but we seemed to be going in the right direction.  When that project ended, I got another were I could bring him onboard parttime. The previous project had been very intense and the new part time one just didn't fill him with the same excitement, so he stopped coming in and left me to make excuses. 

One otherwise beautiful spring morning, I was leaving for work and noticed he was not able to focus.  I asked him a few questions and could tell he was out of it.  I called an ambulance and they rushed him to the emergency room.  He had drank much too much this time.  He was abusive and violent in the ER and they had to first physically and then chemically restrain him.  I should say this is highly unusual behavior from him.  He often reminds me of one of those huge dogs that cowers from toy poodles.  He spent 4 days in the hospital and they gave him meds for his body and his mind and he was nearly his old self coming home. Things were awesome.  He took initiative, he wanted to go places, and I wasn't worried he would kill someone in a drunken car accident.  My hopes soared.  He took anti anxieity pills but couldn't deal with the side effects - hallucinations and feeling very frustrated and belligerent.  He would even say, "I know I have no reason to feel angry with you this second, but I do."  He stopped the meds, but continued a lot of the other good habits.  One interesting thing is that his doctors told him he was not an alcoholic.  They said he didn't have physical symptoms of withdrawal and could truly just walk away, but that AA might help since that group helped people stop drinking and he needed to stop for his health.  That bit of information, or misinformation, whichever it may be, has been a problem for me, as it provides him an excuse to avoid traditional treatment for alcoholics.  However, I told him I don't care about definitions - I don't want to be with him if he wants to drink.  He stopped drinking at home or hiding it if he did and lying about drinking when he was out. 

It took much longer for his drinking to get bad again, but it did.  I went to a different Al Anon and got brave enough to call his BF and tell him how bad things were.  BF suggested dinner out just the two of them, but DH countered with dinner at home with the three of us and willingly brought up the subject of getting help.  Unbeknownst to us, he'd already checked out a rehab facility.  He ended up getting admitted later that week.  In just three days they did him a world of good. We left with plans for a therapist, a doctor, and a couples counselor.  But there was always something wrong with each one of them and he was going to find something better. 

His anxiety has gotten to the point I can barely move around him outside of our home.  We had plans to travel to an event out of town and a kind friend offered us his guest room in his home in a nearby city.  I declined, as one of DH's anxieties is using the bathroom when anyone else is nearby.  If we are out of town, I have to get entirely ready in a hotel in the morning and go wait in the lobby while he does his morning business.  I didn't figure a guest room would work for that.  Turns out DH had developed an anxiety about driving on interstates and since the friend had offered to let us ride with him to the event, DH was angry with me for declining the offer.  Other friends invited us to their beach house and we went riding on boards behind their boat.  The driver took a sharp turn and dumped us and you would have thought we were abandoned in the middle of the Great Barrier Reef.    He has always had a fear of heights but recently had a freak out about a table in a restaurant that was up in a loft like area that one of our friends had carefully chosen because she thought it had enough room for his big stomach and bad knee.  He looked up at the table, turned ashen, and left us all at the restaurant and they had to drive me home while he went to a different restaurant and got some alcohol to drown his anxieties. 

Rather than apologize to me, he berated me about not returning his calls and texts while I was at the restaurant.  He 'didn't know what was going on'.  That is a common issue for him. He requests some pre-laid out schedule of all of the events that are to happen in a day and while he is free to change them, no one else can vary from the schedule. 

I want back the fun guy that I dated.  If I can't have him, I'll take the guy who was looking forward to the future after the positive experience in rehab.  But I don't want the anxious, depressed, overweight, drinking guy any more.  And if he can't get better, I need to find the courage to make changes myself.  If he would even try to get better, I'd be supportive.  But I can't handle the lack of effort on his part.   I have worked late and otherwise avoided him since the episode in the restaurant.  He wants to talk Wednesday night.  I'm going to draw my boundaries.  I've reached out on the General Discussion board and gotten some very helpful feedback.

To whoever is reading this, I am guessing you are going through your own pain and struggle.  I wish you well.



Last Edited By: OneMoreMile Sep 26 11 9:36 PM. Edited 3 times.