Hello,
I am new to the forum, and am SO glad I found this place. Hopefully you seasoned sufferers are able to glean some insight as to what da heck this is all about.
Some background info:
My DSO has been in a MDE for 9 months now (moves out, quit his job, cuts all over his body, suicide talk, pushing me away, pushing everybody away) and has suffered from depression through out his life. I stuck through last 9 months, trying hard to be supportive, loving, encouraging, helpful, yet, trying to find the proper balance, where I wouldn't be putting pressure on him either. I tried to become the person I thought he needed. All the while, I have also been trying to take care of myself (therapy, eating right, running, seeing friends, etc etc). I am trying to do the right things, for myself and also for him. I waver between days of feeling hopeful that he will be alright, that I will be alright, to days where the sadness and tragedy of all this overwhelms me. At this point, he has finally been seeing a therapist, and we are actively looking for a psych to help with his meds. His MD gave him something, but it is not working and we definitely need a specialist to help with dosage or alternate meds. He seems better or at least seems to be able function better socially, but still insists that he sees no other way, that he is fed up with all of this, tired with life, that he is tired of trying, that there is no hope for him, and that I should just let go. He's not abusive towards me, but he's withdrawn, self destructive, and gives me little attention, no support or love. I have done my best to be calm, to not stress him out, but I also have slipped and know that I have occasionally also stressed him out, with my feelings of hurt and anger.
Where I am confused is... I can't figure out what he wants from me anymore. Lately it goes something like this:
Day1: I told him i wanted to tell him things (I wanted to have a talk just to let him know of my own battles and demons, all that I had been working on with my therapist), he freaks out before I even start and tells me that i need to let go, that he is just not the right person to give me what i needed to grow. He got stressed out so we stopped the conversation.
Day2: We meet up with some friends . He acts super affectionate and loving towards me all night. I was confused, and don't understand what is going on.
Day3: I tell him about my confusion, don't understand these mixed messages. Asked him straight up: " you keep asking me to let go, but is that what YOU want?" him: "Maybe". me: "I don't wnat to give up on us, but if you think you need it, then I understand". Told him we probably need to takl about it. He said he wasn't in a state of mind to talk then and there. Ok fine.
Day4: I figure he'd initiate the convo when he is ready to talk. But instead, we both ended up just going along and pretending like nothing happened there.
The days go on with him going back and forth from being distant some days (so I figure i am being too much), to then being like a bf again and takling about things we could do together. In the mean time, i also caught him in white lies here and there.
I know to a certain extent that I shoudln't be analyzing what he says or trying to understand a depressed mind. But I just don't know if me being with him is good for him, or good for me anymore. I don't know what he is thinking. I wonder if he DOES want out of this relationship, but just doesn't want to say it. I wonder if he actually DOES want me to be there, but feels too guilty about holding me back. Or maybe a bit out of both?
Being at the end of this yoyo, has really stressed me out, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be part of his life, and i still want us to be together, if he is willing to work with me to find a way out of his miseray, but i have NO clue what is going on with all this back and forth anymore. Maybe he is just simply confused.
That being said, what can this all mean, and what should i do? Help!!!
I am new to the forum, and am SO glad I found this place. Hopefully you seasoned sufferers are able to glean some insight as to what da heck this is all about.
Some background info:
My DSO has been in a MDE for 9 months now (moves out, quit his job, cuts all over his body, suicide talk, pushing me away, pushing everybody away) and has suffered from depression through out his life. I stuck through last 9 months, trying hard to be supportive, loving, encouraging, helpful, yet, trying to find the proper balance, where I wouldn't be putting pressure on him either. I tried to become the person I thought he needed. All the while, I have also been trying to take care of myself (therapy, eating right, running, seeing friends, etc etc). I am trying to do the right things, for myself and also for him. I waver between days of feeling hopeful that he will be alright, that I will be alright, to days where the sadness and tragedy of all this overwhelms me. At this point, he has finally been seeing a therapist, and we are actively looking for a psych to help with his meds. His MD gave him something, but it is not working and we definitely need a specialist to help with dosage or alternate meds. He seems better or at least seems to be able function better socially, but still insists that he sees no other way, that he is fed up with all of this, tired with life, that he is tired of trying, that there is no hope for him, and that I should just let go. He's not abusive towards me, but he's withdrawn, self destructive, and gives me little attention, no support or love. I have done my best to be calm, to not stress him out, but I also have slipped and know that I have occasionally also stressed him out, with my feelings of hurt and anger.
Where I am confused is... I can't figure out what he wants from me anymore. Lately it goes something like this:
Day1: I told him i wanted to tell him things (I wanted to have a talk just to let him know of my own battles and demons, all that I had been working on with my therapist), he freaks out before I even start and tells me that i need to let go, that he is just not the right person to give me what i needed to grow. He got stressed out so we stopped the conversation.
Day2: We meet up with some friends . He acts super affectionate and loving towards me all night. I was confused, and don't understand what is going on.
Day3: I tell him about my confusion, don't understand these mixed messages. Asked him straight up: " you keep asking me to let go, but is that what YOU want?" him: "Maybe". me: "I don't wnat to give up on us, but if you think you need it, then I understand". Told him we probably need to takl about it. He said he wasn't in a state of mind to talk then and there. Ok fine.
Day4: I figure he'd initiate the convo when he is ready to talk. But instead, we both ended up just going along and pretending like nothing happened there.
The days go on with him going back and forth from being distant some days (so I figure i am being too much), to then being like a bf again and takling about things we could do together. In the mean time, i also caught him in white lies here and there.
I know to a certain extent that I shoudln't be analyzing what he says or trying to understand a depressed mind. But I just don't know if me being with him is good for him, or good for me anymore. I don't know what he is thinking. I wonder if he DOES want out of this relationship, but just doesn't want to say it. I wonder if he actually DOES want me to be there, but feels too guilty about holding me back. Or maybe a bit out of both?
Being at the end of this yoyo, has really stressed me out, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be part of his life, and i still want us to be together, if he is willing to work with me to find a way out of his miseray, but i have NO clue what is going on with all this back and forth anymore. Maybe he is just simply confused.
That being said, what can this all mean, and what should i do? Help!!!




