husband depressed/cocaine addict - relapsed - help in General Discussion Forum

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husband depressed/cocaine addict - relapsed - help

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KimW62.mysteryshopping...	husband depressed/cocaine addict - relapsed - help	Lead	[-]
Member Posts: 34 Apr 19 12 10:46 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Okay, so I was ready to have a talk with my husband this evening, thought he was finally ready to at least go to my counselor to work on a few communication skills we're lacking. He told me he was a cocaine addict the first of February, has been going to a 12 step program weekly, working on his addiction and depression/anxiety with his psychiatrist weekly. Day before yesterday he was really depressed, more than he'd been for a long time, but told me he was okay yesterday. He just called (9:30 pm, should have been home hours ago) and told me he was okay, just that he f**ed up and he would be home shortly. Now what????? I had seen my counselor Tuesday and thought the issues with him were that he didn't respect the boundaries that were important to me, now I know he was probably relapsing. I know this is a board for depression/mental health issues, and he has all of those, but the addiction is overwhelming for me. Can I really give him stronger boundaries now? ultimatums? He's not home yet, so don't know what state he's in, probably not good. Thanks for your suggestions, I'm a bit messed in my head now. Thank goodness my kids are living in other states right now, they're doing well in their young adult lives and happy and away from this. I'm not ready to drop this on them now. Kim
Ange1961		#1	[-]
Member Posts: 3081 Apr 19 12 10:56 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Hi Kim.. this is the rollercoaster that you and he are on... it will be like this... up /down.. round and around.. you are both doing what needs to be done.. In my opinion its probably too soon for him to do couples counselling with you... Making sure he stays in therapy etc/takes meds(if hes on some) etc etc has to be the focus. focusing on yourself too, is very important, and I guess you might be thinking , well focusing on me and what I want means couples counselling. Im glad your kids are not around... BUT in saying that, if theyre young adults, there will be a time I think you need to tell them whats going on with their dad. Because of his mental health issues and his addiction.. he has what is known as Dual diagnosis and its really important that your kids know this ... why? because of their own mental health and wellbeing. You husband may carry the gene that predisposes him to depression and addiction.. just as, kids who have a parent whos is an alcoholic can be predisposed to the gene .. so can kids of people with mental health issues etc. IF your kids know about this, then they can prepare themselves better for what they do and dont do in life.. eg... try diff drugs.. drink too much booze etc etc.. stay strong huggs Ange
KimW62.mysteryshopping...		#2	[-]
Member Posts: 34 Apr 19 12 11:15 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Ange, I was so hoping you were available for a reply - thanks! I sure wish I could sit down with you and talk.....................even though I know you can't tell me what to do. And of course couples counseling is not a good idea, I didn't realize that he was cycling downward and I was feeling stuck. Another round, I guess? First thing tomorrow i'm calling my counselor - I know she at least can help me put this into perspective a little. I think I'm being pushed too far this time, I'm numb, actually, which scares me. At least when I'm angry I know I care. I think an ambien is in order tonight Need to sleep to face tomorrow for sure! Kim
Ange1961		#3	[-]
Member Posts: 3081 Apr 19 12 11:46 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Kim,... make sure you have your support network in order and USE them.. family/friends/church/drs/support group/counsellor.. When /if you feel that you are asking too much of them... ask yourself this question... "IF my best friend/sister/brother/mum/cousin were in my shoes and needed support would i do that for them????" I reckon your response might be.. YES OF COURSE! Most people in our support networks are always willing to help if they can... it might be good for you to think about HOW you handle things back in Feb...do the things that worked then, now.. the things that didnt work.. learn from them and dont repeat them. always tell yourself.. This Too Shall Pass. huggs Ange
KimW62.mysteryshopping...		#4	[-]
Member Posts: 34 Apr 20 12 11:52 AM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Addicted DSO came home at 4 am! He was afraid to face me - but he sat squarely and answered the questions I had. I'm so worried about him losing his job now, there's enough people in this small town that know and he's well-known in the community. This makes me scared, worried, ashamed, etc. I called my councelor who can meet with both of us on Tuesday, dso's phychiatrist is out of town for just over a week and he's willing to meet with mine, at least talk about boundaries, etc. I'm at least grateful he'll do that with me. He's pretty afraid of the consequences right now, afraid of his own shadow. I was afraid a relapse would occur when I could see him getting a little cocky, and telling me he was doing "great" after his last visit with his doc. I'm also insisting that I be involved with treatment now, at least meet his Doc and find out plan of action. I really was kept in the dark, I think he's afraid that I won't like what I see in him, probably true. I have a list of boundaries now that I absolutely won't budge on - I've been afraid to do this, but now I see there is no choice for my sanity. Now to take a deep cleansing breath.......................... thanks for support Kim
desperatesusan		#5	[-]
Member Posts: 73 Apr 20 12 11:59 AM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	If you have set boundaries with him that are important to you, and he is ignoring them, you need to follow through with the consequences - whatever you decide they are. Stronger boundaries won't make any difference, if he knows he can ignore them. Whether the consequences are - that you will confront him with his behaviour, or ask him to leave to protect yourself. Only you know what consequence is right for you. Allowing him to break boundaries is enabling his behaviour. Your counsellor should not be giving you the answers, you need her in order to learn how to find out your own answers from within yourself and put things in perspective yourself. I suggest you go along to an Al Anon family group meeting or CODA meeting, as the partner of an addict. It might give you the support you need, combined with your counselling, to help you work out what you want and need, and how to stop enabling him and start looking after yourself. I did this and found them life/sanity-saving.
KimW62.mysteryshopping...		#6	[-]
Member Posts: 34 Apr 22 12 8:11 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Thursday was when DSO relapsed with cocaine use, Friday was his birthday, so I told him we'd try to have a good day, but we would need to talk on Saturday. Well, I talked - it wasn't a discussion, he just sat a listened, not what I hoped. Anyway, I explained what was NOT going to be okay any longer, that this was too hard on me and I had become an enabler by trusting him too much, not being firm and that next time he told me he was coming home and DIDN"T, that he wouldn't be welcome home. He was silent for a bit, and then said, "I can't talk to you, you scare the sh#$% out of me." His anger last night and today is increasing, I'm of course trying to be careful about everything I say, but he gets really angry, really quick, and then it dissipates.....I'm in a small town, but need to find a support group - is al-anon for families of drug addicts also? Also, I'm feeling very much an outsider in his treatment, he said i could come to his next visit, but I'm pretty sure he'll tell me I can't come at the last minute, which is what he did in February. Can I make my own appt with his doc? I know his dr can't talk to me about other patients, but I certainly can talk to him, right? Do I write a letter to the DR? I'm really, really worried that my dso is going to downplay this relapse - I would love some advice. Thanks so much - this board has been a life line for me. Kim
Ange1961		#7	[-]
Member Posts: 3081 Apr 22 12 9:43 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Hi kim.. gosh .. how hard and traumatic for you.. In Australia alanon can be used for those with drug issues. families etc.. If you cant source a support group specific to your needs in your area..try googling for something online perhaps??? even if just for the interim. I would write the dr a letter.. try and keep your emotions out of it.. hard to do .. but more effective. bullet point the issues/concerns you have . Perhaps its time for you to really crack down on him.. set the boundaries.. or else! (or else is hard.. because you have to know you can follow through) eg.. I need to be apart of your treatment plan OR we are done.. I need to at least have your consent to talk freely to your dr... or we are done here.. (he would have to give his dr consent to talk to you ) I agree with your boundary.. that if he doesnt come home then hes not welcome... I think with your DSO you are really going to have to get stronger than most here on this forum... and do tough love.. especially because he has relapsed with the cocaine .\ IMO.. he isnt taking any of this seriously... he knows you will be there.. he perhaps knows you wont follow through with consequences.. ( how does your history with boundaries and him look? would he have reason to believe you wont follow through) I dont mean to put this on you... i just know how hard it is to enable and let them push our boundaries right over! Im thinking you really need to make sure you have your own support... or this is going to do your head in stay strong.. huggs Ange
Ange1961		#8	[-]
Member Posts: 3081 Apr 22 12 9:44 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	this might help.. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Of-Addicts/support-group
desperatesusan		#9	[-]
Member Posts: 73 Apr 23 12 7:44 AM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Yes, you could go to Al Anon if your DSO is an addict. I certainly have met people there doing that, who had children or spouses that were addicted to drugs. Alcohol is counted as an addiction and a drug. The advantage is that it is quite widespread and easy to find meetings. There is also nar anon family group (http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html) for addicts specifically. CODA meetings would also help. Really whichever of these you find in your area. The point of all of them is not to solve your addicts problems, but to start looking after yourself. They are anonymous, you just turn up, pay a dollar or so for coffee/rent of the rooms (if you have it, no one will check), and get support. The support works best if you talk, but as much as you want, about what you want. I have met people in CODA who went specifically because their partners had depression even. All manner of reasons to want to feel happier. For what it is worth, I tried the talk to the doc part. I told his GP, and his psychiatrist, and you know. Makes no difference, regarding the drinking/drugs. The only person who can persuade him he has a problem, is himself. Having his Dr know the truth will make you feel better, but may make no difference to his recovery. Until he asks for help, people giving it to him will not help. Denial is strong.
KimW62.mysteryshopping...		#10	[-]
Member Posts: 34 Apr 27 12 9:02 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Thanks for your wisdom.............this board has been a great support and I'm sure I'll be leaning for a while, I've got a long, rough road before me. My husband told me he left a message today with his doc, who's out of town, to talk to him about how to involve me, whether it's an appointment or by phone with his permission. I don't really know if that call happened, I think he's lying a lot these days. My counselor used an analogy about my husband being on a bus that was going down a really awful, bumpy road and was dragging me on a chain and I couldn't see where we were going. I told him the story and told him he either needs to let me on the bus, or cut me loose - this actually seemed to make him understand! Since the relapse, dso has really sunk into depression and I'm feeling guilty because I've been so angry with him, I feel like I've pushed him back in. I'm not really asking anything, just rambling, I guess. I've found an al-anon group, now just need to get up the nerve to go....feeling a bit hopeless and sad tonight, sorry this life is so hard for all of us. Kim
Ange1961		#11	[-]
Member Posts: 3081 Apr 27 12 11:08 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Kim.. I get how hard this is for you .. I was married for 22+ yrs.. we got together when we were 18yrs old... had a pretty good * normal * marriage... (of course in hindsight when rose coloured glasses are removed it all looks slightly NOT so normal.. ) I was nearly 42 when he left the first time.. I had never ever lived without him by my side or without my parents by my side.. and here I was all of a sudden I needed to find mortgage/bill/living money .. I had a little casual job that just paid for extra things for us.. luckily for me my boss gave me more hours.. and my family helped me out heaps.. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet... I was so scared about that.. for the first 3 months I just lay in bed sobbing.. not eating (lost 25kgs 50+ pounds in those 3 months) .... I went to work, but god knows how i even functioned.. i think my coworkers/boss carried me during those days when i was at work.. sigh.. It was hard ... BUT you know what.. as hard and as scary as it was... learning to recognise how dependent I was on him etc... taking time to focus on ME... and WHO I was or could be...Having to do things that he had taken care of.. etc etc.. feeling my fears.. acknowledging my sadness .. hurt.. pain.. ALL those thing have actually been the making of me! Im not invincible BUT I know I am much stronger than I ever dreamt I could be.. EVERY one of us here on this forum.. no matter how broken.. how hurt/weak we feel .. we all have enormous strength.. and each one of us will survive, no matter how hard we have it.. BE brave... bite the bullet... and get yourself to the al-anon group... and always remember... YOU dont have to wait for him to cut the chain... YOU have the power cut that chain yourself at any time YOU CHOOSE! stay strong believe in yourself.. huggs Ange

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husband depressed/cocaine addict - relapsed - help

husband depressed/cocaine addict - relapsed - help