I originally made this thread to replace my old one because I feared my wife would find the postings about my infidelity. The old thread exists here. For anyone that is exploring why some men cheat or is trying to find some insight to someone who is bipolar I would suggest reading the link first before reading this thread.
Madbeggar& Mrs. Madbeggar : Thank you for posting your story here. I’ve just discovered this site and have now been crying for the last 30 minutes reading everyone’s posts. Much of what you are going through resonates with me. God, please forgive me.
*History*
I am a 41 year old son of an affluent immigrant family. I am the youngest of 4 children, and the only boy. Both of my parents came to this country after WWII, and put themselves through school. Both came out of prestigious Ivy League schools with advanced degrees and great paying jobs revolving around R & D. Expectations of me were as high as they get. My parents always reminded me of the history of family pains of going through war & poverty. They told me about starving & surviving in their previous country to which they felt they did not belong. They spoke about the invasion, and explained about being scapegoats in their communities, and being forced to move out of the country. The family suffering was the legacy of our family. This is really an important fact because I realize now that this is the foundation for my depression. It’s not the only reason, but my family’s pains were the “secret ingredients” in the formula for my depression.
**Learning**
Growing up, I began to understand some of those pains my parents went through. I understood racism as early as 2nd grade. My parent’s response to such matters was to accept the racist remarks, and work harder at other things like schoolwork. They did not want to address issues with school administrators, or other parents. They said it would just cause trouble. As a child I knew something was wrong with that. How was I supposed to make things better if you weren’t involved? I was too young to articulate my concerns.
Even some of my teachers helped reinforce some of the racial stereotypes that my parents faced. I had one teacher ask why I wasn’t good at sciences like my parents. Don’t worry your parents are “of this race . You’ll get it soon enough.” So much for getting help from my teachers.
***Discipline***
At one point my father used to hit me for misbehaving.
He never hit my sisters.
He never hit mom.
Just me.
Everyone used to just watch. I remembered wondering, “Who was going to protect me from him?” No one stopped him. For a better part of a year, he used to hit me when I said or did something wrong. I remember being hit for asking ‘Stupid’ questions.
I tried to talk to my sisters about Dad. They ended up telling my father and I would get hit again. I learned to keep quiet about my feelings. It was safer.
I learned from these experiences that certain forms of communication got me in trouble. I made certain rules for myself when I was younger. Never tell your parents anything. Never tell your sisters that anything was wrong. Unless it was “perfect” news, it was better to keep quiet. Perfect news would be ,” Mom& Dad, I got all A’s on my report card.” Saying I got all A’s and one ‘B’ would be a subject for chastising. By the way….I never go all A’s.
I wanted so badly for someone to save me. Although my father’s physical abuse only lasted less than a year, the mental abuse stayed for years.
****Snoop Dawg****
By nature I am a very animated person. I love to joke around and make people laugh. It was hard as a child to not say what was on my mind. I learned that the safest way to express my feelings was to trust in the only thing in the world that would never tell my secrets: My stuffed animal Snoopy. I never had to worry that he would tell my secrets. For a short period of time he even helped soften some of the blows from my father. He was my protector.
*****1stbout with depression*****
In high school I did well, and I found solitude in friends. I was hoping some of those skills would translate into success in college. That was not the case. In college I had done poorly. I really wasn’t ready to attend college. My studying skills were mediocre at best, and my drive to do well was diminishing. I was trying to live up to my parent’s Ivy League standards. Looking back on this era of my life, I had my first real experience with long-term depression. I sought therapy. My therapist was helpful, but she only scratched the surface of my problems.
^^^^Don’t do this^^^^
I stopped therapy when flunking college was imminent. What was there to worry about if I could not change the outcome? The only thing I was worried about was where I was going to live. I had to find a way out of my predicament. Telling my parents the truth was out of the question. My father had already ex-communicated one of my sisters. She flunked out of college, and gave birth to my niece out of wedlock. So my sister had no degree; become a single parent, and my dad kicked her out of the house. If I told my parents, I will surely get kicked out. Dad used to just hit me, right? Where was I supposed to go? I did not have the adult skills to be out on my own. I had no place to go but home. I needed a roof over my head. I had to lie. I faked my graduation. I faked my report card. I faked my degree. It is a heavy weight that I carry to this day.
******Pushing Forward******
I have always been attracted to women with emotional volatility. My last girlfriend before I met my wife was no exception. Somehow she was able to push all my buttons. The one thing she did do was unknowingly push me in the right direction. I was working as a salesman in a retail store.
She said I was going to amount to nothing.
I was furious at the comment.
We broke up, and within 6 months I was a manager within that store. Once I got my own location to run, l I met my future wife, Ms. Rightway. She and I originally did not like each other. We automatically had an adversarial relationship. Fast forward 1 year. We began dating and were engaged in 2 years. I currently have a wonderful home with many pets. We have no children.
*******Marriage*******
I have been married to my wife for 11 years. Like your wife, she has always been there for me, even in the worst of times. She knows about my giant charade to fool my parents that I graduated. Unfortunately, I am quick to push her away when she needs me because I do not feel like I am worthy to give any help or support. In addition, I don’t know why I deserve such gratitude or affection from her. I am currently part way along this path of destruction which is mirroring your path. I do not know how to alter this path. Like your wife, Mrs. Rightway has done absolutely nothing wrong. She has been supportive in helping me cope with my depression. She was the one to point out that things I used to enjoy I was no longer pursuing. I was angry all the time. I was snapping at her comments. She recognized these changes as depression. Now that I am currently working on my depression for the last 10 months, I wonder if my wife is also depressed from dealing with me. You know its bad when those pharmaceutical commercials on tv ask those questions, and you can answer yes to all of them. I have been trying to cope with my depression that I have dubbed my “Dark Companion” for quite some time.
********Dark Companion********
My depression distorts my perception. It makes the brightest day seem grey. Everything is a right or wrong answer. All my responses are ‘quick to judge’and in many cases: rude. I really think that my depression seeks validation from my surroundings. I look for mistreatment. I look for the unfair. I look for what is wrong with everything. I have no intention of hurting anyone. I gravitated to those small differences in how people treat each other. I became obsessed in feeling those differences that I was constantly trying to find emotional pain. Emotional pain became more familiar than being happy. I remember that ‘I may not feel happy all the time, but no one could take my pain away.’ My pain was the constant that no one could rob. That pain helped validate my parents’ views on life. Somehow I could not embrace any happiness unless there was some pain attached to it.
I have been battling depression since around puberty as well. In my early years, it just came and went. The pain associated with my depression seemed more intense when I was younger, but also went away very quickly. As I got older, my“Dark Companion” took on a newer shape. He was more “grey”, and stayed at longer lengths. Plus there is a stronger mental fog as I got older. The ability to think or process thoughts in a normal logical manner became very difficult. The attributes depression can include huge forms of miscommunication. What I hear when I am depressed is very skewed. Only now I can see how my depression has created many unbearable situations. My wife felt like everything she said was wrong. To the depressed, my responses or comments sound perfectly fine. In reality, I was snapping at my wife and belittling her. Because my “Dark Companion” was not as intense with pain as he was when I was younger, I dismissed its power over me too easily. I have to equate depression like warm water heating ever so slowly to a boil. Such small changes are almost imperceptible. In the grand scheme of things, I know that my depression had been boiling off the things that are important to me:
· My self esteem and self worth
· My ability to see and appreciate good things
· To be open to new ideas
· My ability to be happy
· Intimacy
· Energy to live well
My Depression came to full head at what I call the ‘peak’ of my early success.
Madbeggar, you are correct. Depression will distort and color your view on life. Someone used to call me “sharp as a tack.”Depression made me as dull as a rusty knife cutting through a steel vault.
Like you, my wife has been there every step of the way. She has never wavered at my side. I too am on this path of destruction. I find it hard to get off of this path, but I am very conscious of my decisions, like you. I have already dug my proverbial “grave” and I am afraid that I will not have the strength to be able to get out. Unfortunately I have not been keeping up with my wife’s needs. I have denied sex with my wife for many years. (Eight) I believe much of the reason was because of my depression. Depression makes everything tasteless. You want to care about things. Many people will confuse apathy with uncaring. This is actually farther than the truth. I cared so much, but I didn’t know how to show it. Concurrently, I felt unworthy to show how much I cared. I felt even worthless about receiving such generosity. Intimacy is a really important part of my story, and I will come back to revisit at a later point.
*********Career*********
I took my parent’s teachings to an extreme. I am currently in the financial industry, and I had won the company trip in 2006 to one of the Caribbean islands. I took my wife and we had a great time. After coming back, I landed a promotion within the same company. That’s when things began to fall apart. I had become such an overachiever that anything short of perfection felt like a scarlet letter. Even if I achieved 1% short on a goal, I would mentally punish myself for not doing well. This in combination with the market fall in 2008 really exacerbated my depression. I survived the budget cuts, but not without some casualties. My company forced me to take on a role which I was not happy about. They wanted me to micro-manage my staff to the point where every behavior was scrutinized. In doing so, I had alienated some of my staff who was integral in my success. Many of them left in disgust. This created a lot of resentment which was carried back to the home front.
I was snapping at my wife.
I was waking up with nightmares, and I was slowly running myself into oblivion.
I put on about 50 extra pounds, and was diagnosed with sleep apnea.
Eventually I left that company for another financial institution.
Before I left, my wife was laid off. We needed both of our incomes to make ends meet. My stress was at an all time high. I worked an average of 12 hours a day. My workplace demands were at an all time high. Clients were constantly berating me and my staff for the “increase in fee” decisions made my company. I hated being there. I hated myself more for becoming the manager that I never wanted to be. How do you interview for another job if you are constantly working? It was a hard balancing act.
My new job coincided with my wife finding new work. Unfortunately, I traded my high stress job with a job that had a racist boss. I quickly learned what it was like to be ‘set up’ to fail. I was fired from this job in 1 year. That was March of this year. Looking at our savings, I calculated that I could survive 6 months with no job.
Having no job, I felt worthless. I had hit my all time low.
I could not provide
I was a college dropout
my wife and I have a sexless marriage
I was in a dark haze of depression
How do I balance a mortgage and the growing credit card debt that had interest rate rising?
How do I find a job with the 'black mark' of getting fired?
**********Worthless**********
Finding a job seemed fruitless. The financial industry had cut back on so many jobs that the pool of applicants were not in my favor. I kept looking at our draining savings as the countdown to doomsday. At 5 months and 2 weeks I was still unemployed. I just wanted to go t sleep and never wake up.
My unemployment coincided with my decision to seek help from all my resources. My wife had urged me for years o seek help. It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I decided to seek help.
I did not want to wake up
I did not want to take a shower
Every suggestion for help sounded like berating criticism
I found myself crying in shame by my kitchen window every morning. My shame encompassed me. I wasn’t worthy of being a husband. I wasn’t worthy to participate in life. I was such a disappointment and failure.
My dog, Hammie saved me. In many ways he is the Snoopy of my adult life. I could say anything and he won’t repeat anything. I didn’t have to worry about abuse from my father. He nudged away from my kitchen window. I can’t remember why I was crying, but he was there. I couldn’t live like this. No one is going to save me. No amount of sympathy is going to change my situation. I got up and with all my strength, I called my primary physician for an appointment.
My physician found no issues with my thyroid, or hormones. She found my vitamin D levels were nearly non-existent. She did suggest a combination of therapy with medication. I found a therapist, who I originally did not like, but have grown to understand her methods. She originally tried to coach me to deal with my depression. I told her to stop coaching me, because I did not like being coached in matters of my feelings. I used coaching as a method of management at work. It felt too weird to have it used to fix my feelings. She switched her method to let me vent my feelings, and helped me interpret them in a constructive manner. It may sound the same, but it is not.
^^^^TIP^^^^
I never thought to question my therapist about the effectiveness of our sessions. If it is not working, ask them to change their approach. Ask for their goals on that approach. Ask for a rough timeline. They are trained in many methods of treatment. They can switch the type of therapy like doctor’s prescription. This is one of the best advice I got from my doctor.
I have a world renowned Psychiatrist who monitors my medication. I am on my 2nd medication. I too was on Celaxa, but had an adverse muscle reaction to the medicine. I am currently on Cymbalta. I have found pretty optimal results with this medication. (see below)
Oh god I never intended this post to be this long.
5 months 3 weeks after being fired, I had 32 job interviews with 9 companies. I made it to the final interviews of all my employment opportunities. The first 8 companies picked some one else. What an emotional rollercoaster ride. I had gone through the ups and downs of finding a job. I considered myself very lucky. After 32 interviews in nearly 6 months from various employers, I found a job. Count my blessings.
*****Resources*****
Update: 01/12/2013
I have 3 people working on this for me.:
1. Primary care physician:
a. He has made sure that my overall health is in good condition.
b. He is helping me lose some of the weight I had gained (50lbs gained= 3.57 stone)
i. Right now I have lost 30lbs =2.14stone; 3 inches off my waist = 7.62cm. I have now lost 50 lbs = 3.57 Stone (June 8th, 2014)
c. My vitamin D levels were nearly nonexistent. This is a contributing factor in my depression and had to be monitored to ensure proper energy levels
d. Thyroid is in good working condition.
2. Qualified Therapist
a. She has allowed me to work through some of my emotional issues
i. Emotional baggage from childhood
ii. How to effectively engage the world
iii. What are my emotional triggers and what I can do to control them
iv. How to move forward and be aware of consequences of each action
v. How to move past ‘Analysis Paralysis’ (I love to figure things out and how they work. Unfortunately it prevents me from solving problems efficiently.)
b. Allow me to choose the direction of therapy. I n the beginning I had to choose another therapist because I was not comfortable with her. After 4 sessions with my current therapist I did not Feel any better. I challenged her on this by asking what direction she was planning on this therapy, because I did not feel any better. She took notes of my comments. At my workplace, I use a coaching to behavior method style of management. In the beginning I was being coached to my feelings. I found it most annoying, and I told her to stop coaching me to my feelings. She stopped and asked which method to use. I didn’t know that there were different methods. I told her to choose something else. She has changed since then , and has set emotional goals for me with estimated time frames. If your therapist cannot give you a time frame or goals, find another one!
3. World renown Psychiatrist ( my wife thinks he’s an idiot. This was before I found out I was bipolar)
a. He monitors my medication.
b. That’s why I keep a journal. 1st three months I was still in a deep mental fog. The danger of not keeping a log is as follows: Example
i. You feel crappy 29 out of 35 days
ii. On the day you see the doctor about your medication; and you have a “Good” day
1. He asks you, “How are you feeling?”
2. You answer “ I feel fine.”
iii. In reality you feel crappy 29 out of 35 days.
iv. Medication can take up to 6 weeks to take effect.
v. Mood and behavior diagnosis is incorrect, and time is wasted for recovery
Suggestion:
c. 1st3 months of log record mood and feeling 3 times a day. Morning, mid day, and dinner time. Please note any significant event that may trigger mood or feeling. (if someone died, then no amount of medication except zombification will stop the pain)
d. Beginning month 4 record mood and feelings once a day.
Now you have
·an accurate log of your mood, feelings with times and dates
·A plan to stay healthy so your body is not inhibiting your recovery
·A therapist who can give you mental tools to handle and face life situations as they arise
Can you tell I like having a plan? A failure to plan is a plan to fail.
***********Again don’t do this***********
At that same time, my medication was beginning to work. My foggy haze had lifted. My wife saw my positive change in my attitude. While away on training, I made a bad decision to go to a strip club. Nothing happened except that I liked it. I liked it so much that I started to go to the ones around in my home state.
***********grave digging************
I found one night club that allowed a little more than stripping. Unfortunately I liked it. I liked it and hated myself for it. I needed it, but loathed myself for the decision. I never even kissed someone other than my wife in the last 13 years. I feel like an addict. I wanted more. I wanted sex like a teenage boy. I tried making advances to my wife. She is not obliging. I can’t blame her since I denied sex for the last 8 years of our marriage. I am craving to be close to someone. I still can’t believe I allowed myself to do what I did. I’m a Loser. I don’t want any advice. I don’t want any sympathy. If this post can stop a guy in the future, then it will be worth the flaming I may receive. Throughout typing this post I have been crying because
· our intimacy has disappeared.
· I’m ashamed of what I have done
· I never thought I would break the vow of marriage
· I am no longer sexually attracted to my wife, and I can't tell if it's my depression talking or me. To this day my wife’s touch repulses me. Update, My wife and I are getting a divorce. She has moved in with her mother, and we are trying to sell the house. We make better friends than lovers. Things are very amicable.
· I am thinking of going back to the club ( I have gone back and had a 1 ½ month affair. Even though it hurt me very much, I knew the affair was wrong, but I am still very attracted to her. The affair ended January 7th2013.
· I don’t think I will ever be deserving of her affection let alone have children
· I am not comfortable telling my therapist these details because it hurts to even type them on a computer screen. (I told my therapist and I am currently trying to heal these wounds.) I’m still working on this
· I have now joined the league of “stereotypical man who cheats on their wives”
· If I tell my wife, I will hurt her beyond imagine. Since we are divorcing, it is pointless to tell her about my‘fling.’
· If I don’t tell, I am lying to my wife.
I am prepared for the crap and rotten tomatoes being thrown at me. If Depressed guys are reading this, relief from depression is not a goal. It is a journey. My“Dark Companion” is always here. Sometimes he is quiet. Other times he tries to take over. I am fighting one day at a time. I hope you find better success than Madbeggar and I.
Thanks for listening.
Wrongway
Amendment:
I have a very long way to go to recovery. My “A-Ha” moment was when I refused to play baseball. This was an activity that was my favorite past-time. It was my passion before I met my wife. When I lost my job, I was crying quietly away from my wife. I would never cry in front of her because of my shame and feelings of worthlessness.
1. I was supposed to be the bread winner. (I was unemployed so I wasn’t worthy to be a husband)
2. I was supposed to be the stable pillar in the family. (I was a complete train wreck. How could I be a pillar? I was more like a sand castle going away with the tide)
3. I was the man in the family so crying/breaking down was not an option. (That why feelings are not shared)
I was invited to play ball with the guys on a Sunday.
I turned them down.
My wife knew this was my breaking point. My love for baseball had more history than my love for my wife. It was even independent of my love for my wife. It didn’t cost any money to play. I had the time because I had no job. I wasn’t injured. So what was stopping me?
I didn’t have any more excuses.
I hit rock bottom.
On Monday I called my primary physician to set up an appointment to see how I can get myself out of this depression. Thus began a very difficult 13 months to today.
My parents are from old school. Mental illnesses do not exist. My father is in a 30 yr depression and refuses help as well. (I see where I got some of my coping skills)
February 10, 2013 Update
I have been in mental clarity since September. I do not want to be with my wife anymore. She absolutely repulses me. I want to throw up when she initiates any intimacy. I’m so scared. God I need some help. Direction would be nice.
- Timeline:
·1986-1990 I was aware of my depression. Depression was at a range of 10-30%It never really dropped below 5%
·1991-1994 my depression stayed constant at about 20%.Pessimism stayed with me.
·1995 my first peak of major depression when I failed college
·1996 climbed out with only 3 sessions of therapy and no medication. Problem with leaving so early from therapy was I had poor emotional coping skills. This will come to bite me in the leg later on in life.
·1997 met my wife through job and began dating. Depression at about 10%
·2001 married to wife and moved out to current home. Depression increases to 15-20%.
·2002 switch jobs to financial industry depression hovers at 20-30%
·2008 market crashes and financial industry goes into tail spin. Depression increases to 40-50%
·2010 Financial industry switches to micro management. Depression increases to 60%Paranioa sets in my psyche.
·2011 switch financial companies in hopes of better work life balance. This was an incorrect assumption. Depression still at 60%.
·2012-January I knew something was wrong with me and began to see my Primary care physician to fix problem. Depression at 70%
·2012-February began seeing therapist and psychiatrist. Depression still at 70%
·2012 March fired from job for company violation. My depression reached its peak.95% depressed. Hard to shower, do any chores, or even walk the dog.
·2012-August after many sessions of therapy and medication adjustments, I began to get some mental clarity. Depression drops to 5-20%Sex drive come back like a raging bull.
·2012-September: Got a new job at a small credit union. I’m very happy to be there an working hard.
·2013-January: My boss rolls out goals. Increases my goals 800% across the board.
I sit down with my wife and tell her I want a divorce. She cried. After 1 week, and calming down, she reveals to me she wanted to tell me that she would have had the same conversation with me in about a month if her feeling for me had not returned.
I am officially diagnosed by my doctor ass a Bipolar II sufferer. It explains a lot about my behaviors.
·2013-March: I get my first performance warning about not tracking to make goals.
2013-July: I get fired from this job for performance
2013 July-present: Looking actively for job. I had only 24 interviews within that time. No luck in finding job.
2014 January- My unemployment runs out. Not more income while looking for a job.
I begin to volunteer at an animal shelter.
2014 May- I begin to work at a local hardware chain part time. It gives me time to look for a job.
2014-June–I fight off my first reoccurrence of MDE with the help of my psychiatrist. I was very lucky to stave off this comeback. We had to up one of my medications. Thank god for 2 things. I caught it before my mental fog rolled in. There is no ramp up time for the increase in medication.
The following is how I categorize my Bipolar depression. I’m sure there may be variations to the list.
· 5%-20%: I think everyone can experience these levels. This is what I call the mental clarity zone. You can make decisions. 20% depression level is usually when someone close has died; fail a test; disappoint a close relative; etc.
· 21%-30%: Depressed person feels “off.” Sexual drive maybe affected. May not be able to feel optimistic. Still can be outwardly functional at work. Some people may see this level as just “stressed from work.”
· 31%-40%: Some performance issues at work. Definite mood changes at home.
o Being defensive
o Inability to accept constructive criticism
o Cognitive functions are slowed.
o Depressed may feel sluggish
o Mental fogginess is in full effects
· 41%-50%: Anger is introduced
o Anger towards themselves & others
o Clear dissatisfaction for their situation
o May seem like a complainer
o Proverbial Doom & gloom cloud always hovering
o May snap at other people. Usually at one closest to them.
o Will begin to blame others for everything even though it may be unfounded. This is a form of manipulation.
o May be abusive
· 51%-60%: Unpleasant to be around. Apathy is introduced. My guess is that many will strive to feel any way possible. The following may be some of the ways the depressed will attempt to feel an emotion other than apathy or anger.
o Having an affair
o Cutting themselves
o Contemplate suicide or begin to threaten with suicide for attention
o Gambling
o Behaviors which may harm themselves
o Uncontrolled spending
o Drinking and/or drug use
· 61%-70%
o Sleeping patterns highly affected.
o Never enough energy to do daily tasks.
o Seems overly lazy
o Begins to cry without reason
o Self hate begins to permeate through EVERY thought
· 71%-80%
o Paranoia about the world is against their every action
· 81%-90%:
o The whole world is wrong in their eyes.
O “There is nothing good”
o There is only pain and apathy
o Crying profusely
· 90-100%:
o Hard to shower or even get out of bed.
o Maybe certain hygienic issues because of such overwhelming apathy.
o In some instances emotional pain is so great that the depressed may attempt suicide. (I was lucky. I did not have these thoughts)
o Serious medical attention is required
I actually put some serious thought to this list. I hope it is helpful, but it
is only from my point of view. Let me know if there is anything I can do to
help.
What can you do?
To understand this question you need to understand the position that you are in relative to the depressed.
Think of it like if:
§ Your DSO was a basketball with a bell inside the ball.
§ Depression is a soccer ball.
§ You are represented as ‘one hand.’
§ His life, the basketball, is balancing on the soccer ball
§ You see him falling so you push the other side to try to balance him.
§ Every time the bell rings in the ball, he will go into a anger/rage/depressive episode.
§ He is now falling on the opposite side
§ Constant adjustments is just delaying the inevitable, and ringing the bell constantly.
§ At some point he is going to need to fall.
§ He will need to fall so she can learn to pick herself up. I had to learn that the hard way.
I asked my wife how she handled me at my worst. She said she ignored my rants, and set boundaries (like no name calling or biting remarks.)
∞Do not be rude out in public
∞Do not berate or belittle me
∞Do not harm me or my family in any way
∞Do not swear or use profanity on me or anyone I care about
∞I only want to help you and there is no ulterior motive
So what can you do?
∞Allow your DSO to fall. Let them hit rock bottom. Do not force therapy or medication, but do suggest it. Your DSO will need to help themselves. Think of it like class at school. You can force your child to go to class, but unless they are willing to open to learning and help themselves, they will never learn anything from the class. Forcing them is an exercise in futility. Trying to hold them from falling deeper into depression will only make you depressed. Do not go down with the ship!
∞Allow them to separate. The depressed mind is filled with the 7 feelings: Anger, fear, shame, guilt, numbness, anxiety, and apathy so much of the time; they cannot even hear themselves think. Making simple decision becomes arduous. Solitude is sometimes the only peace a depressed person can get. That is why we sleep so much.
∞Help yourself.If you feel like you cannot maintain your sanity, you are not alone. People on this forum are great and sharing your story will help alleviate some of your burden. Many fallouters may even seek therapy to understand what is going on, and to get qualified professional help to make sense of what is going on in their lives. Venting is almost necessary as fallouters will carry most of the burden as the depressed cannot function properly. I remember I barely did any house chores when my depression hit its peak. Even to get up to bring the dishes to the dishwasher was laborious. Find ways to lift yourself, and brighten your spirits.
∞Always speak optimistically. When I lost my job the first time, I was crying in shame. I was already in a MDE, and to lose my job was a major blow to my psyche and character. This job loss put me into a double depression. It was clinical and situational depression. Positive reinforcement helped me to help myself. My wife always said every day, “I know you will find a job. You can do it. I have faith in you.” I believed her, even though I didn’t believe in myself.
∞Stop all forms of criticism unless I cross a boundary. Criticism hurts. I am already in pain. Telling me that I was folding the towel wrong will hurt me more. Even simple constructive criticisms will be viewed as berating comments. Try not to do criticize.
I reposted this uncensored on March 8th 2013
Added updated information on June 8th, 2014




