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Posts: 1062
Mar 3 13 1:34 PM
Okay….we are separating and living in the same house. We have 4 bedrooms and I will sleep in another bedroom. I need space, and she wants to get closer. “Sound Familiar?” We will see a marriage counselor. I don’t know where this will end up. She is still my best friend. not the eaisest conversation to have.
-WW
Posts: 654
Mar 3 13 5:02 PM
Posts: 203
Mar 3 13 5:52 PM
Mar 4 13 8:58 AM
Wow….Now being HYPERANALYZED. Every move I make is now under scrutiny. If I don’t say “I’m going upstairs , then “I don’t love her”
This is annoying, but understandable. God I hope this living under a microscope will subside. She actually called out sick today. (First time in 3 years) She didn’t sleep all last night. I’m expecting her to rummage through all my stuff. I have nothing to hide…..well except OW…but there is no trail….except here.
Suddenly she is willing to go to therapy. I find that annoying, but hopeful. My feelings haven’t changed. I owe it to myself to see if my decision is corroborated by an unbiased 3rd party. Wish me luck. I need it.
-Wrongway
Posts: 382
Mar 4 13 11:18 AM
Mar 4 13 4:20 PM
Alicea, I spoke to her yesterday morning after she had her coffee. I told her I had something serious to talk to her about and I wrote most of it down. Since I have written this letter almost 2 weeks ago with many edits, I can recite everything that was important without even looking at the paper. As soon as I hit sentence #2 she asked me if I was going to divorce her. My letter was as follows: Mrs Wrongway, We’ve been married for 11 ½ years. You are my best friend. Through thick and thin you have stood by me. For that I am very thankful. We’ve been through good times like going on the trip to St Kitts ; our wonderful pets: · Woobie · Casey · Mug boo · Pen pen Even those that didn’t live here, but I consider family (Her parent’s pets over the years) · Charlie · Pookus · Bubba · Ginger · Fritz · Jake · Molly We’ve been through tough times: you losing your job, me losing my job, flooding during the addition. Probably the hardest thing is dealing with my depression. I have been battling this now for 20+ years. I just found out I am bi polar II. What does this mean? I am manic depressive on a minor scale. I am hyper aware of my feelings and moods. With the help of my therapist and psychiatrist, I have been able to get this under control. Someone with bipolar disease is 6 times more likely to experience depression than a manic state. In November I hit a slight manic state. My doctor recognized it immediately and took steps to control it. Only until 8 weeks ago did we get my bipolar disease under control with mood stabilizers. This has been very difficult for me. In depression I had to battle fogginess, confusion, anger, apathy, pain and an overwhelming sensation of worthlessness & shame. Because of these feelings, I had become self absorbed and in many cases, rude to you. For that, I am deeply sorry. In a manic state, I become confused, disoriented, distracted easily, super horny. These are feeling that I feel even though I may appear fine. I have felt normal now for 8 solid weeks with the exception of Chicago. My mental clarity ( my ability to think on my own) started last September. It was right on time with my new job, and I want to thank you for standing by me all this time. There are things that concern me. Our relationship has grown in many ways. I have been able to trust someone like you where before I was always suspicious of everyone. I have been able to mature emotionally even though I am a natural goof. Your mom and dad have been more of a parent than my own parents. I couldn’t have a better extended family. This is why this makes this so hard. You are my best friend We haven’t been intimate in years….9+??? I can’t even remember That’s really bad. Both you and I want intimacy. We both want children I don’t think I can have kids with you I am not sexually attracted to you. I know this sounds hard. It is completely me. It has nothing to do with you. I was hoping this was the affect of my depression. When coming out of depression I was thinking my feelings for you would return. I’m afraid they have not. I am so sorry. I wish I could think of another way. I think we should separate. Please forgive me. Tears began to well up like a Disney character, and she started balling. · I want a separation. · I need space. · I also need to sleep in another room I spent the majority of the day cleaning out the spare bedroom. I went out later to decompress. I was at a bar with 3 other old men and that suited me just fine….quiet. I don’t drink anymore but I had about 4 virgin Bloody Mary’s. I watched some sports games on the tube, and I stayed for about 4 hours. I went home afterwards and she was a clingy as white on rice. I almost had the urge to leave again, but I know she is insecure. She asked me lots of questions. About me About us About taking eachother for granted About not asking what we needed from eachother About my depression About what I found attractive; but I refused to answer, and then she thought I was gay. *Lol* I hate loaded questions ie “ does this make me look fat?” In the end, I am willing to see a marriage counselor. I would prefer a 3rd party, but I truly do not think that a counselor will change my attraction with my wife. I do not think that is realistic. What do you guys think? -WW
Alicea,
I spoke to her yesterday morning after she had her coffee. I told her I had something serious to talk to her about and I wrote most of it down. Since I have written this letter almost 2 weeks ago with many edits, I can recite everything that was important without even looking at the paper. As soon as I hit sentence #2 she asked me if I was going to divorce her.
My letter was as follows:
Mrs Wrongway,
We’ve been married for 11 ½ years. You are my best friend. Through thick and thin you have stood by me. For that I am very thankful. We’ve been through good times like going on the trip to St Kitts ; our wonderful pets:
· Woobie
· Casey
· Mug boo
· Pen pen
Even those that didn’t live here, but I consider family (Her parent’s pets over the years)
· Charlie
· Pookus
· Bubba
· Ginger
· Fritz
· Jake
· Molly
We’ve been through tough times: you losing your job, me losing my job, flooding during the addition.
Probably the hardest thing is dealing with my depression. I have been battling this now for 20+ years. I just found out I am bi polar II. What does this mean? I am manic depressive on a minor scale. I am hyper aware of my feelings and moods. With the help of my therapist and psychiatrist, I have been able to get this under control. Someone with bipolar disease is 6 times more likely to experience depression than a manic state. In November I hit a slight manic state. My doctor recognized it immediately and took steps to control it. Only until 8 weeks ago did we get my bipolar disease under control with mood stabilizers.
This has been very difficult for me. In depression I had to battle fogginess, confusion, anger, apathy, pain and an overwhelming sensation of worthlessness & shame. Because of these feelings, I had become self absorbed and in many cases, rude to you. For that, I am deeply sorry.
In a manic state, I become confused, disoriented, distracted easily, super horny. These are feeling that I feel even though I may appear fine.
I have felt normal now for 8 solid weeks with the exception of Chicago. My mental clarity ( my ability to think on my own) started last September. It was right on time with my new job, and I want to thank you for standing by me all this time.
There are things that concern me. Our relationship has grown in many ways. I have been able to trust someone like you where before I was always suspicious of everyone. I have been able to mature emotionally even though I am a natural goof.
Your mom and dad have been more of a parent than my own parents. I couldn’t have a better extended family.
This is why this makes this so hard.
You are my best friend
We haven’t been intimate in years….9+??? I can’t even remember
That’s really bad.
Both you and I want intimacy.
We both want children
I don’t think I can have kids with you
I am not sexually attracted to you. I know this sounds hard. It is completely me. It has nothing to do with you. I was hoping this was the affect of my depression. When coming out of depression I was thinking my feelings for you would return. I’m afraid they have not. I am so sorry. I wish I could think of another way. I think we should separate. Please forgive me.
Tears began to well up like a Disney character, and she started balling.
· I want a separation.
· I need space.
· I also need to sleep in another room
I spent the majority of the day cleaning out the spare bedroom. I went out later to decompress. I was at a bar with 3 other old men and that suited me just fine….quiet. I don’t drink anymore but I had about 4 virgin Bloody Mary’s.
I watched some sports games on the tube, and I stayed for about 4 hours. I went home afterwards and she was a clingy as white on rice. I almost had the urge to leave again, but I know she is insecure. She asked me lots of questions.
About me
About us
About taking eachother for granted
About not asking what we needed from eachother
About my depression
About what I found attractive; but I refused to answer, and then she thought I was gay. *Lol* I hate loaded questions ie “ does this make me look fat?”
In the end, I am willing to see a marriage counselor. I would prefer a 3rd party, but I truly do not think that a counselor will change my attraction with my wife. I do not think that is realistic.
What do you guys think?
Posts: 1516
Mar 4 13 8:50 PM
Mar 5 13 11:42 PM
Posts: 375
Mar 6 13 7:19 AM
Mar 6 13 2:46 PM
I am not sure why my attraction disappeared. It just did. It didn’t happen overnight. Remember, I have been battling depression for many years. I hit rock bottom at the end of 2011, and then fell into a second depression. This depression was circumstantial and was on top of my clinical depression.
Double whammy
I was too concerned about getting out of depression. I don’t know when it happened. Probably sometime 2003-2004
Mar 7 13 1:47 AM
Mar 7 13 1:53 AM
Mar 7 13 8:36 AM
I think it a little of both. Not one is mutually exclusive. Someone told me that love is also about loving someone in spite of their quirks and differences. I don’t find those differences in my wife something I want to spend the rest of my life with. I feel we have evolved into 2 different people. My needs are different. Thinking logically, I wonder if the depression along with my medication has changed me enough to change my personality that me wants/needs/goals are different because of the chemical changes in my brain. What do you guys think? Does this sound farfetched?
Mar 7 13 9:58 AM
Arrrgh The timing is not the best for this. I was offered a lateral position ( stepping stone) position within my company but it is in Minnesota and I am in Massachusetts. I had to decline since I want to see if this marriage is salvageable. Some things never come in on the right time.
At same time OW is trying to contact me. I told her to lose my number again….. *sigh* such complications to my actions…..
Therapy tonight….I can’t wait!!
Mar 7 13 2:31 PM
Mar 7 13 5:16 PM
My therapist said that my medication should not have really changed my likes/dislikes. It is how WE evolved during my depression that our likes/dislikes may have changed. I have a mental illness, not a personality disorder. I have the number of a marriage counselor. I will call tomorrow to schedule an appointment.
Mar 7 13 6:03 PM
Mar 7 13 7:57 PM
That seems to be the tough thing. My wife and I have evolved into 2 different people. We’ve been married for 11 ½ years and dating 2 ½ years prior to that. My depression has always been there. I feel bad we grew into 2 different people. I’m not sure if the attraction can be rekindled. I will keep an open mind, but I don’t know if there is any hope at this point. She and I both agreed to try to maintain our friendship. Easier for me to try to do this. I am not sure about the other way around if I were to find someone else. That would add a new dynamic to the relationship.
Mar 7 13 9:12 PM
Mar 8 13 1:27 AM
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