ForgotPassword?
Sign Up
Search this Topic:
Forum Jump
Posts: 1062
Mar 8 13 5:41 AM
headisclearing wrote: …... Can you be honest about lack of attraction to your wife? Yeah I told her that day when I wanted the separation This way you can both try to rekindle the flame? I will keep my mind open … her 6 month depressive episode took away this love.. Yeah…..I was hoping that my attraction would return after therapy and medication. It hasn’t unfortunately returned. fuffy0420 wrote: ...there is still good there...maybe? Hard to say. That’s why I want to see a marriage counselor. From what I read, the real problem for you is lack sexual attraction. Was there ever an attraction? It was there before. I don’t know why it disappeared. It seems this is the sticking point for you, maybe? Yes it is. That’s why I still feel like she is my sister. HIC & Fuffy: Thank you for you comments and questions. Feedback is a gift. ( I bet you would have never thought a depressed person would say that) -Not heading in the WrongWay
headisclearing wrote:
…... Can you be honest about lack of attraction to your wife?
Yeah I told her that day when I wanted the separation
This way you can both try to rekindle the flame?
I will keep my mind open
… her 6 month depressive episode took away this love..
Yeah…..I was hoping that my attraction would return after therapy and medication. It hasn’t unfortunately returned.
fuffy0420 wrote:
...there is still good there...maybe?
Hard to say. That’s why I want to see a marriage counselor.
From what I read, the real problem for you is lack sexual attraction. Was there ever an attraction?
It was there before. I don’t know why it disappeared.
It seems this is the sticking point for you, maybe?
Yes it is. That’s why I still feel like she is my sister.
HIC & Fuffy: Thank you for you comments and questions. Feedback is a gift. ( I bet you would have never thought a depressed person would say that)
-Not heading in the WrongWay
Mar 8 13 5:45 AM
I decided to put the uncensored version of my story up as my 1st post
Posts: 375
Mar 8 13 7:58 AM
Mar 8 13 9:16 AM
HIC: I have not fallen out of love before. At the same time I’ve never had a relationship as long as I have had now. Longest before was 3 ½ years.
Mar 8 13 2:28 PM
Mar 8 13 9:11 PM
Mar 9 13 3:49 AM
Mar 9 13 3:52 AM
Mar 9 13 1:01 PM
HIC: There is not much you can do but make sure you are in a good place. It’s almost like a perverse game of “Keep Away” The closer you try to get to her, the farther she will pull back.
That’s too bad that her friend is the doctor. I wonder if the medication dosages and stoppages was under “his” direction or if it was something she tried to treat herself. Did you ever ask why she stopped? Depending how depressed she is will determine whether she is receptive to this question. You might get a lash back. (Depression is not logical.) I hope there is something I can help make clearer for you being on the otherside of the table.
-WW
Mar 9 13 4:31 PM
Mar 9 13 4:55 PM
There is a scale. I would call it either a depression level scale,
Or conversely
A mental clarity scale
Depending on my mental clarity would determine what my interests were. For example, anything over 20% depression and my sexual drive disappeared completely.
In your case, passion. I think any depressed person wants to feel anything good. The problem is that a fully depressed person will not be able to feel joy or things that a normal person would feel. How do I explain…..
The best way to explain is that a depressed mind is incapable of feeling joy or happiness. This is not a choice, but a chemical imbalance in the brain. This chemical imbalance also incites:
1. Irritability
2. Anger
3. Feelings of apathy
4. The inability to accept criticism
5. Irrational behaviors
6. Loss of interest in things they were happily involved with before (for me it was baseball)
7. Tremendous amount of shame
8. Overwhelming feeling of worthlessness.
The scale is in the bottom of my first post of this thread.
In my depression I just wanted to stop crying. Stop the pain. I was not suicidal, but the thought of not waking up was always present. I think she is looking for more than passion. She is looking to feel good again. Unfortunately Depression will prevent her mind from feeling anything good. So the straight answer to your question. “I would have loved to have felt passion again.” It took me almost 5 years to realize this. I hope she finds her way out sooner than that. She has to figure this out herself.
If you suggest anything to her, remember #4: inability to accept criticism, she will snap back thinking you are insinuating that she is a bad person. Just be careful. The best action is ‘No action.’ You have to let her fall so she can learn to pick herself up.
I hope this was helpful.
Mar 9 13 6:57 PM
Wow….just had a long conversation with wife.
She has been seeing a therapist already. I didn’t press why she didn’t tell me. She is already on session 4. She also said she is amicable with a possible divorce, but also wants to see if reconciliation is possible. Suddenly the microscope is now off of me. *Whew!*
We started talking like we are friends again. This is what I wanted. Her greatest fear wasn’t divorce but for us to lose our friendship. That was my fear as well. Huge weight has been lifted. We agreed no dates to the house. We are officially separated, and live in the same house. Amicably!! It’s refreshing and weird at the same time.
We talked about selling the house and ebaying some junk that we have acquired over the years. Pizelli iron; my old skis, etc etc
I never thought separation/divorce = happy fallout and depressed persons = long lasting friendship!!!
Weird? Eh?
Mar 9 13 8:08 PM
Posts: 203
Mar 9 13 11:44 PM
Mar 9 13 11:54 PM
….The thing I don't understand you said your sex drive disappeared when above 20% depressed. I wonder if this is the case with her. Or if she could get joy from having sex even one night stands. Can you explain when you noticed your sex drive was better?
It wasn’t until mental clarity …..so below 20% depression. It wasn’t that sex was not possible. it would just not be as enjoyable or of great interest. From what I read from this forum that each depressed person varies in their symptoms and what they find enjoyable.DSH: Thank you for your positive thoughts. They mean a lot to me.
Mar 10 13 1:31 AM
Mar 10 13 7:36 AM
Head is clearing said:
WW - So when less than 20% depressed you felt sex drive improve. I have seen it seems to vary among other depressed people that post on here.
Yes , it vary person to person. But my ex use to say her sex drive disappeared at times, especially when on meds.
My side effects are VERY UNCOMMON. My sex drive in fact increased. I had my doctor decrease 1 medication to gain control of my sex drive again. I do wonder if my ex just wants some passion and will chase this even if it doesn't bring a lot of joy.
I hate saying this , but that could be possible. I am going to be blunt. I did not want sex with anyone. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want sex. Masturbation was my option. I see stories on here where the depressed person will seek a ‘No strings attached’ sex . Of course they will never admit it. WW- how did you get some love back for your wife? Was the love fleeting? As in when you had moments of clarity? Or when you started recovering from the D?
Let me explain. I always loved my wife. I still do. What was hard was that my major depressive episode began about 8+ years ago. That is a long time to be depressed. She and I both evolved into 2 different people.
While in depression, all I felt was:
1. Anger: at everyone but usually at the people closest to me. Where my anger didn’t show was at people I really didn’t care for: strangers, acquaintances, and co workers. This is inverted or the depressed person. I’m not sure why, but I think it has to do with the inability to properly show love and affection to the people we love.
a. Common ways to avoid anger: preface any opinion or comment with : “Please I do not want to offend you with this comment ___(name)___, but I think _________.
b. Always put a positive spin on everything
c. Keep it light, and not too ‘deep’
2. Apathy: Much of this feeling ties with the Anger. Anytime my ife asked me for an opinion I couldn’t process the request properly. I usually came out with an answer: “I don’t know, stop bothering me.” It can be as simple as a decision on ‘what to have for dinner,’ or complex issues like a wedding plan.
a. This feeling is not a good indicator of their ‘real’ disinterests in life.
b. Try to make the mundane decisions ahead of time. Asking for opinions or asking for critical thought will incite irritability and anger.
3. Shame & worthlessness: Best way to explain is the overwhelming feeling of ‘Everyone thinks I am a bad person.’ It is more prevalent in men. While in depression I thought:
a. I wasn’t a good husband
b. I wasn’t a good provider
c. I was ugly inside and outside
d. I wasn’t worth the dirt on the floor
e. Why was my significant other with such a loser like me
f. All my co workers are getting ahead of me. I must be a bad employee.
4. Pain: Both physical and mental. This is where my non stop crying came from. I just wanted to not wake up. For men this is hard to deal with since men usually “ do not talk about their feelings”
So to answer your question, my love never disappeared. I couldn’t get out these 4 feelings. My brain prevented me from thinking clearly . My deductive skills were compromised, and I was ALWAYS defensive.
As for moments of clarity. It came and went with the wind. My moment of coming out of depression fog was 5 months into medication. We had to change medication once and continuously adjust dosages.)
I hope this was helpful. Let me know how else I can help.
-Not going in the Wrongway
Mar 10 13 7:39 AM
HIC: This also might help you gain some control from one of my previous posts:
Think of it like if:
§ Your Dso was a basketball with a bell inside the ball.
§ Depression is a soccer ball
§ You are represented as ‘one hand’
§ His life is balancing on the soccer ball
§ You see him falling so you push the other side to try to balance him
§ Every time the bell rings in the ball, he will go into a rage/depressive episode.
§ He is now falling on the opposite side
§ Constant adjustments is just delaying the inevitable, and ringing the bell constantly
§ At some point he is going to need to fall.
§ He will need to fall so he can learn to pick himself up. I had to learn that the hard way
I asked my wife how she handled me at my worst. She said she ignored my rants, set boundaries (like no name calling or biting remarks when in front of family.) She also found activities that helped her make her feel better.
Mar 10 13 10:35 PM
Mar 11 13 11:07 AM
I Had a weird but constructive conversation this morning.
***Dating***
· We are allowed to date
· No dates allowed in house
Weird again? Eh?
Share This