I've been reading the posts here for the past couple days and finally decided to reach out with my personal story in hopes of getting some much-needed feedback and support. I think my family is tired of me talking about my situation, and to be honest, I don't feel they really understand what's really going on. I met my (now x) DBF about 6 months ago. It was a chance meeting and we hit it off like I've never hit it off with anyone before. I know this sounds cliche but I felt like I had finally found my other half (and he expressed the same feeling before I even said anything). It seemed like a match made in heaven, at least for the first 3 months. He was the sweetest, most kind and selfless man I'd ever met and I was the happiest I'd ever been. However, about 3 months in, there were a few red flags popping up. He'd have a day or two where he'd seem more reserved and not as enthusiastic about meeting up. I chalked it up to his job because he keeps weird hours and sometimes can't seem to get much sleep. I also noticed he drinks quite a bit on occasion, though it never seemed to get too out of hand. He started getting more and more withdrawn and I noticed about a week into his new behavior that I was no longer getting phone calls, only texts. And his texts had gone from sweet and out-of-the-blue just to say hi, to very cold, unemotional texts that were much less frequent. He kept saying he was feeling under the weather and started making excuses not to meet up. Finally after about a week of this I told him I wanted to meet up and talk. I went over to his house and could tell immediately that something was wrong. His previously sparkly eyes had NO light in them at all. It was like they had gone dead, and his voice was very flat and unemotional. We sat on the couch watching tv and he refused to touch me or even look much at me. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I broke down in tears. I didn't know for sure what the issue really was at the time, so I suppose I didn't handle it as best I could. I told him I missed "us" and couldn't figure out what had just happened. We had planned a summer trip which he was previously SO excited about, and I tried to tell him about some details I had just gotten and he just looked at me like he couldn't care less. He just sat there watching me sob and did nothing. It was the worst feeling in the world, when I compared it to his compassionate, loving, former self. Finally he said he wanted to take a break to "figure things out". He said he still wanted to keep in touch but needed to have some space. I agreed to it reluctantly, but felt I had to give him this space. He said "things should go back to normal soon" and "it has nothing to do with you, I'm just in a 'funk'". I tried to carefully suggest talking to a professional, but he snapped that he didn't need that. He did later admit he thought it was depression, though.
Anyway, so we went on this "break" until mid May, when I finally couldn't handle being in limbo anymore. We had seen each other twice in those 2.5 months and one time he was very cold, the other he was better but still down. We met up to discuss our future and what we wanted to do with the vacation we had planned. He told me that he still had feelings for me and wanted to slowly start over and start dating like we did in the beginning. He also said he wanted to still take our vacation we had planned for later this summer. The night ended with some passionate kissing and me feeling like things were getting back on track. Fast forward to 4 days later. I called him to see if he wanted to catch a movie. He answered but sounded frantic about what to do with something related to work. To me it was a pretty easy thing to decide on, but he was acting almost paralyzed by indecison. He finally said he had to go into work and couldn't meet up for a movie. After we got off the phone, I texted him and said I hoped I could have seen him. He said he did too but work was so hectic. I then said I hoped we could make plans for sometime this week (like he had said he wanted to a couple nights earlier at dinner). He waited about 20 minutes and then sent me a response that basically said "this isn't going to work. I can't give you what you deserve. I'm not feeling it, and I'm sorry". I was so upset I didn't even respond. Since then I have reached out to him once which was 2 weeks after that just to say I didn't like how things ended. He barely responded and said he "felt bad about it all". That is the last I've heard from him and the last of me trying to reach out to him. In my opinion he's making it pretty clear he doesn't want me in his life anymore, even after just saying he did days earlier. I'm so hurt and devastated. I had to cancel our vacation, as I'm not even sure I'll ever hear from him again. I wake up every morning and replay the same nightmare over and over. I find myself obsessing about it, and oscillating between feeling so bad for him, to being furious that he could just trash the relationship we had and disappear leaving a mess behind him that he doesn't seem to care about. I'm 99% sure there is no other woman (something his mother confirmed) because he had been single for years before meeting me, and seems a bit like a loner. I guess I'm just wondering what some of you who have more experience with this would recommend I do? The initial shock of losing him has worn off a bit since we've been apart for a while, but sometimes I get hit with this wave of pain and loss all over again. Should I just go NC from here on out and assume that if he ever wants to talk to me badly enough he'll initiate contact? Is there a good chance he's gone for good and I'll never hear another word? A part of me wants to just move on and try to forget this most disappointing situation, but then I remember how good we were together and want so badly for him to return, even though I know we'd never capture the innocence of the initial relationship. I guess part of me hopes he returns, but then the rational side of me wonders if I could ever restore enough trust in him. I just feel so lost and alone, and feel my depression starting to come on again (though I've always had a much milder form). Finding this site has been so helpful for me, because I see that what I'm feeling is so similar to what some of you have expressed feeling. I realize how similar some of these stories are and it's nice to know this isn't all just in my head. This disease is so devastating, and affects so many people beyond just those directly suffering with it. Thank you for reading my long story and for any feedback!
Anyway, so we went on this "break" until mid May, when I finally couldn't handle being in limbo anymore. We had seen each other twice in those 2.5 months and one time he was very cold, the other he was better but still down. We met up to discuss our future and what we wanted to do with the vacation we had planned. He told me that he still had feelings for me and wanted to slowly start over and start dating like we did in the beginning. He also said he wanted to still take our vacation we had planned for later this summer. The night ended with some passionate kissing and me feeling like things were getting back on track. Fast forward to 4 days later. I called him to see if he wanted to catch a movie. He answered but sounded frantic about what to do with something related to work. To me it was a pretty easy thing to decide on, but he was acting almost paralyzed by indecison. He finally said he had to go into work and couldn't meet up for a movie. After we got off the phone, I texted him and said I hoped I could have seen him. He said he did too but work was so hectic. I then said I hoped we could make plans for sometime this week (like he had said he wanted to a couple nights earlier at dinner). He waited about 20 minutes and then sent me a response that basically said "this isn't going to work. I can't give you what you deserve. I'm not feeling it, and I'm sorry". I was so upset I didn't even respond. Since then I have reached out to him once which was 2 weeks after that just to say I didn't like how things ended. He barely responded and said he "felt bad about it all". That is the last I've heard from him and the last of me trying to reach out to him. In my opinion he's making it pretty clear he doesn't want me in his life anymore, even after just saying he did days earlier. I'm so hurt and devastated. I had to cancel our vacation, as I'm not even sure I'll ever hear from him again. I wake up every morning and replay the same nightmare over and over. I find myself obsessing about it, and oscillating between feeling so bad for him, to being furious that he could just trash the relationship we had and disappear leaving a mess behind him that he doesn't seem to care about. I'm 99% sure there is no other woman (something his mother confirmed) because he had been single for years before meeting me, and seems a bit like a loner. I guess I'm just wondering what some of you who have more experience with this would recommend I do? The initial shock of losing him has worn off a bit since we've been apart for a while, but sometimes I get hit with this wave of pain and loss all over again. Should I just go NC from here on out and assume that if he ever wants to talk to me badly enough he'll initiate contact? Is there a good chance he's gone for good and I'll never hear another word? A part of me wants to just move on and try to forget this most disappointing situation, but then I remember how good we were together and want so badly for him to return, even though I know we'd never capture the innocence of the initial relationship. I guess part of me hopes he returns, but then the rational side of me wonders if I could ever restore enough trust in him. I just feel so lost and alone, and feel my depression starting to come on again (though I've always had a much milder form). Finding this site has been so helpful for me, because I see that what I'm feeling is so similar to what some of you have expressed feeling. I realize how similar some of these stories are and it's nice to know this isn't all just in my head. This disease is so devastating, and affects so many people beyond just those directly suffering with it. Thank you for reading my long story and for any feedback!




