Hi everybody, its been a while since I have been on line...Just hit 9 month marker a few days ago... wow... what a long ride this had become... I remember oh so well, when I first got here, I just wanted to die... the pain was unbearable, and i felt completely out of control. If you guys remember, my ex was still calling me , and we would still see each other about every 7-10 days, but with nothing but silence and avoidance thereafter till the next "date" There came a point where I just couldn't do that to myself anymore... I thought every time we would meet, he would be telling me he wants to come home... that just never happened... I finally said no more to the dating... thanking him kindly, but a firm no thank you... when questioned... I explained it was just too painful to 'date" casually after an 8 year relationship... I started going out... meeting new people and focusing on myself again... A few months back I meet a nice man... I told him of my history, told him I didn't want a relationship because my heart was still in hope that my exdp would finally come out of his depression... He was OK with this... a bit of a commitment phoebe himself... this was I assume music to his ears... lol The time goes by... my exdp still ask... " want to go out tonight? I always say the same.. no thank you...My heart still hurts... but I am so trying to move forward... in the last few weeks, my new relationship takes a turn... we are planning a future together, and the walls are coming down fast... Its been the first time where I feel I can breath again... laugh again... My tears are drying up... i don't cry anymore... and life is starting to become nice again ...So here out of the blue... my ex starts making contact again... asking me out, ... he says he is feeling better, and is slowly coming down on his high dosage..... ... I am torn... I just went to hell and back... my heart was shredded, stomped on, and as you all know a depressed person cares nothing/see nothing but himself during his depression... I have lost the feeling" safe, trust.... feeling loved, cared for by him... I still don't understand in my mind, how one can turn their back on someone they said they loved with all their heart. it felt like I was shot in the heart, and left bleeding in the streets.... Now here he stands, obviously the fog is now lifting, clarity is setting in... I asked him do you realize its been 9 months, he said no, felt like maybe 9 weeks... My new friend is an awesome man, tells me everyday how much he appreciates me, how he would like to share his life with me, and is planning away at our future... I stand here today in totally confusion... obviously my heart still loves my exdp... but trust and safety are completely gone... with the pain I may say... My heart is opening more and more for my new friend, who treats me ever so gently.... where do I go from here? My ex does not know I have met someone else... I haven't had the heart to tell him. When I stand before him I still feel my heart reaches out to him... Im so confused right now...




