Well, we had "the talk" last night....again...I swear I'm living in a time warp.
He feels he "learned what he needed to learn" from the talk therapy and meds 4 years ago...and I will admit he is much better at working through the D and finding a way to get things done. Meanwhile he wants no contact with anyone, can't feel anything for/about anything, battles every day just to do the most mundane of tasks, has multiple physical manifestations of the struggle in his head, has to "wear a mask" to do just about everything in his life, but doesn't think he needs intervention or help. sigh. He believes that his recent lack of focus, inability to motivate himself, and other physical issues he is having is due to the stress of the unknown status of us/our relationship. I am pretty sure he wanted me to make a decision last night, say "we're done" and make it easy for him. That if he didn't have to deal with "us" he would be "just fine" or at least better. Well, I won't. I told him how I believe he's never had the correct diagnosis, how the times he's been on meds and therapy he was MUCH better, how we finally have all the pieces in place for him to get everything on track, and he won't/can't do it. So frustrating to watch. Everything with him is anger and negativity. Even the smallest things that go wrong are some perceived major slight against him - the universe is truly against him and everything he does. He is yet to come to terms what it means to have this illness. He doesn't see that getting help is what puts him in control - he feels like using the techniques he learned is his control. He is hung up on what the D does TO him he doesn't recognize what HE can do to the D.
He knows that I won't stay with him if he doesn't get help or find a way to connect with me (which he can't do unless he gets help) and the rest of the world in a more healthy way. To do that he is going to have to make a decision to deal with the struggles of finding a t-doc and the right mix of meds and it will be HARD. But if he refuses, if he says that THIS is how he is going to live his life, sadly, I will move on. It is not what I want, but really, the ball is in his court. Might be too much pressure for him to handle, I don't know. All I know is I won't make the decision for him. HE has to make the decision how to live his life. I know that if I said "I'm done" he would crawl off into some hole and do his job and the things he "needed" to do and that's it...and how sad is that? If he's convinced himself that THIS is all he's capable of, the I feel sorry for him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, D and all, but he has to get help for it.
I truly don't believe he will get help. I think that we are on a path to getting divorced because he is too afraid to deal with the possible negative side effects of treatment and unable to see the possible (and probable) amazing results that I feel are waiting for him. I think he believes that this relationship is the major cause of his inability to function in the way he wants to function. Which is sad. Because if we do split, years down the road I think he'll figure out what happened and see what he wasted because he was too afraid to do anything. And then it will be too late. Maybe I'm wrong and he really would be just fine without the stress of "us"...but my gut and everything I've learned tells me that's not the case.
So I am planning that sometime in the not-to-distant future I will be on my own again. I don't have any doubts that I will be fine...I'm just sad that my life won't be with the person I wanted it to be. Maybe that person is gone. Maybe that person never really existed...who knows. I believe that he is in there, but what I believe doesn't matter as I cannot fix him or make him see something he either can't or doesn't want to see. Mourning the person and relationship you lost while having to see them and deal with them on a daily basis is so hard...but eventually I'll be able to move on and find someone new. Oddly enough, I found something on a facebook page to be quite inspiring today:
"Fear has 2 meanings:
Forget Everything and Run
Face Everything and Rise"
I'll choose the latter of the 2 thankyouverymuch. I hope that all of you struggling with similar decisions find strength in yourself and rise - whatever form "rising" takes. Believe in yourself and know that you are strong enough to get through this for whatever outcome - as hokey as it sounds, endings are really just new beginnings. It's how we deal with the endings that help to define the people we are.




