Hi,
I've read these boards for a little while now off and on, but probably not as much as I should have. I have been with my partner for a little over 10 years, and for the past 14 months she has suffered from major depression. She has gotten a little bit of help this past April (she has a prescription for a very low dose of an antidepressant that worked for a few weeks and has since made little difference at all) but is completely unmotivated to try and seek more/better treatment. She has become distant and secretive, and has formed a friendship with a co-worker that she says is nothing more than friends but she spends several nights a week with this person and frequently stays overnight, even if she's just staying on the couch. Our relationship has completely suffered over the past 14 months... there are times that things are okay, and then times we do nothing but argue and fight, and she frequently tells me that we've never had a good relationship and that she doesn't love me and doesn't even really like me anymore, that I'm too controlling and mean and I don't care or understand her at all. Back in January she took over one of the guest rooms to have as her own space, and that helped for a little while, but lately she's practically lived in there and gets angry and unreasonable when I try to coax her out. She doesn't want to get more help, she doesn't think anything else will help, and she has told me that the doctor cannot fix what is her biggest problem, but that everything would be better if I would just go away. There are a few days where everything is great, and I feel like I'm talking to the person I fell in love with, and those days are what carry me through.
Last Thursday we had an argument and she said that we were over and she was leaving. I tried to talk her out of it and say we could fix things, but she's adamant that there is no longer a "we" and we should begin forming separate, single lives. We can stay roommates and we can try to rebuild our friendship, but she wants nothing more than that right now. I told her that I would honor her decision and give her the space she needs but that I am not accepting yet that we are over and that I am hoping that by giving her this space she will have the energy to take care of herself instead of stressing over being with me, and that she will get help. Maybe I am just being incredibly naive, but I feel like nothing is so broken that we couldn't fix it if she would just get adequate help. She said fine, I could look at it that way, but in her mind, we are over and she doesn't want to hear anything about the chance to reconcile.
In all honestly, what this huge change in her mind has amounted to is that she now lives in the guest room (which she practically did before) and I have no say over her schedule beyond respectfully asking that she keep me informed of when she will be home and when she won't be (again, this is how it was before, except before I used to like to think I still had a little say in what it was she was doing). We have agreed to not change anything in regards to how we treat household chores, finances, our upcoming vacations, or holidays, as we are still working to be friends and she has agreed that when we actually have guests, they will stay in what is now her room and she will need to share the bedroom with me. She also still cannot have her "friend" over when I'm around. Our current lease is not up until the next July, and we have also agreed that neither of us will move out until that point. She has also agreed to read "Depression Fallout" (I'm not sure if that's a good idea or bad idea, but it might help, right?) if I start to go to Al Anon meetings again (my dad is an alcoholic so I know I am far from perfect myself...)
Its really not a huge change from where we were at 2 weeks ago... yet I feel so different. I feel less responsible for holding it all together, and less jealous of her "friend" because right now I have no basis to be jealous at all. I am excited if this means we really will work on being friends again, because for the first time in a long time I'll know she's spending time with me because she wants to and not out of obligation. I have more energy than I've had in months knowing I can start and plan my day however I want to... and I've actually wanted to do nice things for her, not because I'm desperately trying to save a sinking relationship but simply because they make her smile. I feel like I'm on solid ground again, because I have no idea how to be in a relationship with a depressed spouse, but I know how to be her friend.... and I feel like her walking away (emotionally if not physically) was just enough to free me from my disappointments and resentments and put a complete halt to any current expectations. Does that make sense to anyone else? Has anyone else gone through this?
I guess what I'm looking for is some advice from people who have gone through this.... am I naive in thinking this could be a good thing? Is it wishful thinking to hope this will give her the chance to get some help? Is this really just a stepping stone to things being completely over? And is the current relief that I'm feeling something that I can continue even if this separation ends up long term??
Thanks
I've read these boards for a little while now off and on, but probably not as much as I should have. I have been with my partner for a little over 10 years, and for the past 14 months she has suffered from major depression. She has gotten a little bit of help this past April (she has a prescription for a very low dose of an antidepressant that worked for a few weeks and has since made little difference at all) but is completely unmotivated to try and seek more/better treatment. She has become distant and secretive, and has formed a friendship with a co-worker that she says is nothing more than friends but she spends several nights a week with this person and frequently stays overnight, even if she's just staying on the couch. Our relationship has completely suffered over the past 14 months... there are times that things are okay, and then times we do nothing but argue and fight, and she frequently tells me that we've never had a good relationship and that she doesn't love me and doesn't even really like me anymore, that I'm too controlling and mean and I don't care or understand her at all. Back in January she took over one of the guest rooms to have as her own space, and that helped for a little while, but lately she's practically lived in there and gets angry and unreasonable when I try to coax her out. She doesn't want to get more help, she doesn't think anything else will help, and she has told me that the doctor cannot fix what is her biggest problem, but that everything would be better if I would just go away. There are a few days where everything is great, and I feel like I'm talking to the person I fell in love with, and those days are what carry me through.
Last Thursday we had an argument and she said that we were over and she was leaving. I tried to talk her out of it and say we could fix things, but she's adamant that there is no longer a "we" and we should begin forming separate, single lives. We can stay roommates and we can try to rebuild our friendship, but she wants nothing more than that right now. I told her that I would honor her decision and give her the space she needs but that I am not accepting yet that we are over and that I am hoping that by giving her this space she will have the energy to take care of herself instead of stressing over being with me, and that she will get help. Maybe I am just being incredibly naive, but I feel like nothing is so broken that we couldn't fix it if she would just get adequate help. She said fine, I could look at it that way, but in her mind, we are over and she doesn't want to hear anything about the chance to reconcile.
In all honestly, what this huge change in her mind has amounted to is that she now lives in the guest room (which she practically did before) and I have no say over her schedule beyond respectfully asking that she keep me informed of when she will be home and when she won't be (again, this is how it was before, except before I used to like to think I still had a little say in what it was she was doing). We have agreed to not change anything in regards to how we treat household chores, finances, our upcoming vacations, or holidays, as we are still working to be friends and she has agreed that when we actually have guests, they will stay in what is now her room and she will need to share the bedroom with me. She also still cannot have her "friend" over when I'm around. Our current lease is not up until the next July, and we have also agreed that neither of us will move out until that point. She has also agreed to read "Depression Fallout" (I'm not sure if that's a good idea or bad idea, but it might help, right?) if I start to go to Al Anon meetings again (my dad is an alcoholic so I know I am far from perfect myself...)
Its really not a huge change from where we were at 2 weeks ago... yet I feel so different. I feel less responsible for holding it all together, and less jealous of her "friend" because right now I have no basis to be jealous at all. I am excited if this means we really will work on being friends again, because for the first time in a long time I'll know she's spending time with me because she wants to and not out of obligation. I have more energy than I've had in months knowing I can start and plan my day however I want to... and I've actually wanted to do nice things for her, not because I'm desperately trying to save a sinking relationship but simply because they make her smile. I feel like I'm on solid ground again, because I have no idea how to be in a relationship with a depressed spouse, but I know how to be her friend.... and I feel like her walking away (emotionally if not physically) was just enough to free me from my disappointments and resentments and put a complete halt to any current expectations. Does that make sense to anyone else? Has anyone else gone through this?
I guess what I'm looking for is some advice from people who have gone through this.... am I naive in thinking this could be a good thing? Is it wishful thinking to hope this will give her the chance to get some help? Is this really just a stepping stone to things being completely over? And is the current relief that I'm feeling something that I can continue even if this separation ends up long term??
Thanks




